Distorted Body Image

*Warning* this post is a little whiny and complainy and will not inspire in anyway....

I still look in the mirror and think I am fat. In fact I can't imagine that I've lost almost 100lbs - I only really see a difference in my face. This sort of depressed me for a while, in fact, it still kinda depresses me. It has taken me a while to figure out what my problem was, I mean, REALLY what is going on with me? Then it hit me. I never, and I mean never, looked in the mirror before. Well, sure I glanced in the mirror at my face before I got my day started but I never really looked too long, otherwise I would cringe - literally cringe at how big I had let my self get. Forget standing on the bathtub so I could see my whole body or standing sideways to see how big I was. I would never do that. If I had, I would have had to face reality at how bad of shape I was really in. I knew I needed to lose weight, I knew my weight was really high but the sad thing is, I mean the really sad thing, is that I told myself I didn't look too bad. That 250lbs wasn't that big. So now, when I look at myself in the mirror and I see what looks like at size 18/20 body I have to tell myself that it is because I have no idea what that size 18/20/22/24 body looked like on me. A big part of me thought that when I got to 180lbs, 170lbs, or 165lbs I would be in heaven. That would it would be hard to continue losing weight to get to a healthy BMI because I would be so happy with the way I looked. That happiness has not come yet, 152lbs and I still feel like I need to lose 50lbs to be happy with how I look. Last time I lost 80lbs and got to 170 I thought I looked awesome and I felt good. That's part of the reason the diet I was on failed. I didn't the have the huge rush to lose anymore weight. I was happy where I was. I don't understand why that didn't happen this time, but it didn't and it depresses me. The depression makes me want to give up. That's what I am working on right now. Not giving up. Not talking a day off from exercise because I am tired. Not giving up on running because I don't think I can do it anymore. I have all of these "old Amy" thoughts that go through my head for a split second.....

"you're too lazy to run"
"you're too out of shape, you are going to pass out and die"
"one day off won't hurt"
"you can't ever finish a half marathon, don't even try"

Granted, these thoughts are only in my head for a split second but the fact that they show up at all worries me. I am not going to give up and for the most part still feel awesome about how far I have come with my energy levels and health. I just need my brain to catch up to my body. My body feels better but my brain can't give up on the expectations of what was supposed to happen when I lost a ton of weight. Overall it is what is best for me and my daughter but when people say that losing weight won't instantly make you happy, its true. Relationships change. You find some people seeming to want to sabotage your efforts, for whatever reason. Its not all sunshine and roses. I never would believe that until I got here.

But believe me, even though this post is 95% depressing, overall my life is only about 5% depression. It really is 100 times better than it used to be. I just need a place to unload these feelings, no one really likes to hear about this, and probably no one really wants to read about it, but I wanted to get if off my chest so I can move on.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I haven't had much time to blog lately. I usually blog during my workday and work has gotten pretty hectic that last week and will be through the New Year. I don't want everyone to think that I have stopped running or have fallen off that wagon completely (I have pretty much stepped off every weekend so far this month..). But overall things are going good :) Anyway, I gotta get back to work. I will try to write this weekend when I have the time.

Hello Weekend...

I just ate a bag of peanut M&M's...weekends are my downfall. As soon as Friday afternoon hits I get way relaxed in my diet - who am I kidding? I am kicking my diet to the curb as soon as the weekend makes an appearance. I just hope this is a holiday set back and doesn't carry on into January. If everyone else is on the diet train in January I should be fine, right? RIGHT? Anyhoo, I am freaking out a bit that I have to run 8 miles in the morning. 8 miles is far and if I am freaking out about 8 miles how am I going to run 13.1 miles in little over a month? Is it even possible to progress that much in such a sort amount of time? What was I thinking when I signed up for the Half Marathon? Ok, I am freaking out a bit. Time to drink tons of water and watch Santa Claus 2 (the Mrs Claus) I Love that movie :)

December Calculations

Its the first day of the last month of 2011. I would like to finish 2011 big and I in my opinion if I didn't lose anymore weight I would still finish big - 95lbs is a pretty awesome to me. I really want to not sabotage myself this last month and it is hard. I LOVE the food part of the holidays, baking and having the house smell of fresh baked cookies or other goodies. I walked past the baking display in the store yesterday - you know the one with corn syrup, cocoa, chocolate chips, baking mixes, oil, pie crusts, etc and I really just want to grab stuff and BAKE. But the joy of baking does not stop with the baking, 9.9 times out of 10 I also eat what I bake - I like dessert, yup its a big shocker that someone who used to weight 250lbs likes dessert :) The closer the holidays get the harder it is to keep my resolve to not give up for the month and start again on new years...I mean how much weight can I really gain? Let's see...I took 4 days last weekend and pretty much ate what I wanted and I gained 3lbs. So there are 31 days in December and if you divide by 4, that is almost 8. So 8 times 3 is 24 - 24!!! That is how much weight I could potentially gain if I "take the month off". Holy Crap - It did not occur to me to do the math until I was typing this post. If I gained 24lbs that would put me almost up to 180...the last time I was 180 was the middle of August. I would lose 3 1/2 months of progress. It would probably take me 3 1/2 months to get back to the point I am now. That's mid April. That is a long time to get back to where if I ignore my diet just one month. Now, I know chances are I would not gain the whole 24lbs....but I can't be sure and I AM sure that I don't want to take the chance. This wasn't really going to be the subject of my post but that is the good thing about having a blog - you start writing and the thoughts just come out and you realize things you wouldn't have otherwise. So that's that. I will stay on the course this next month. I will spend more time on plan with my eating than off.

Holiday Plan - Update

Sooooo I made a holiday plan a couple weeks ago and at my first real test I totally failed on sticking with it. Thanksgiving came and went and I "took a break" with my eating for the entire weekend. I feel ok with this except for the fact that I had made a different plan and didn't stick with it, very like the old me who would always fall off the diet wagon around Thanksgiving. I would always tell myself that I would get back on track Friday and it would always turn into Monday and then Monday came and it turned into waiting till New Years. If I don't get back on track today then I have a serious problem but I think I will be ok today, that is part of why I am writing this post. Hopefully, if I put it out there for everyone to read then I will be able to get back on track. I am pretty sure I can - much more sure than I would've have been in years passed. The good news is that I kept up with all my exercise this past weekend and I didn't gain too much weight. This is different than my behavior I the past. A lot of times if I was taking a break from dieting then I was taking a break from exercise as well. Also, I ran the 10k on Thanksgiving and it was awesome - I will do a separate post on it soon. I just wanted to write a quick post this morning to help keep myself on track today!

Vacation!!!

I am headed off on vacation, again. Only this time it will be a nice break because we are leaving the kids behind! I love my daughter oodles and scoodles and I am already having a little bit of anxiety about leaving her without me for the weekend, but I am excited to have a couple days off. Its a strange thing to want a break from my daughter but at the same not want to leave her, I guess that's being a Mom. I'm pretty sure as she gets older it will get easier :)

With the whole Food/exercise/lifestyle change thing I have been doing pretty good this week. I have kept up on my half marathon training and have been eating better. I just need to get through the next week, where I know I will gain weight, not stressing about it and keeping up the physical activity to help keep my mood up.

I am still not feeling quite like myself but I maybe after the vacation I will feel better. I have never entered the holiday season with such a unhappy attitude. I think part of it was last year December was a bad month for me health wise (that it part of why I have been so successful on this diet). I don't want to be back in the place where I was last year - so part of it is just feeling bad based on approaching the time when things were bad last year. Does that make sense? Maybe not. Honestly what happened last December wasn't too horrible physically, but my hormones were so out of control that my moods were crazy and I am pretty sure hormones is a big part of the blues I have now.The point is I need to have confidence in myself and realize that I am not the same person that I was last year, I am probably 150% healthier than I was last year. Things will be good this holiday season. I can be happy and feel good approaching the month of December.  I need to not whine and complain anymore on my Blog, not dwell on things ;) .

Anyway, I am off on vacation and when I am come back hopefully my mood will be better. I love the holidays and the family togetherness - whats not to be happy about?

Feeling Blue

I am running out of steam. I no longer am enjoying the diet part of my lifestyle change, not that I ever was really, but I am feeling a definite lack of energy towards eating better. I am just going through the motions during the week. I eat almost the same thing day in and day out and then on the weekends I cheat a little - EVERY weekend for the last 3 weeks. I am doing OK weight wise, OK because I am not consistently gaining weight - I gain weight every weekend and then lose it during the week.

I have stopped caring to dress nice or wear makeup or do my hair. Today is the day of the week where I have to go into the actual office instead of telecommuting like every other day of the week. Until this week, even though I dreaded actually being in the office, I enjoyed getting ready and dressing in some of my nicer clothes, putting on make up & doing my hair. I had no such desire this morning. I pulled my wet hair back in a clip, my face is clear of make up, and I am wearing khakis Capri's (no jeans only because they are not allowed) and a sweater. I am not feeling it. Maybe I should have forced myself to put the effort in when getting ready, maybe I would feel better right now. Maybe I am feeling some winter blues even though it is only November and I live in Phoenix where the days are sunny and the highs are in the 70s.

All I know is I feel blue, not quite depressed, but just down....maybe its just hormones, maybe its the bad eating every weekend, but probably its just reality that losing 94lbs is awesome but for some reason also a little disconcerting. I look like a different person, but I'm not - and its hard to adjust to what almost feels like a stranger staring back at me in the mirror. Sometimes I miss the old me, not the way I looked, but I knew that person and was that person for many years thats who I feel like I am. I haven't adjusted to the weight loss mentally. I am not explaining this well, so I will just leave it at this - I am feeling out blue.

Weight Loss at a Glance

I keep track of my weight in three different place - yup, 3. Fitday because I have recorded my weight on that site since 2008 - so it has some history. Sparkpeople because that is where I keep track of my calories in/out (sometimes...) and then to make sure I had my own personal record I have an excel spreadsheet with my weight loss this time around. This is the most interesting to look at...so I thought I would share:

This may not be interesting to you, feel free to skip over. The different colors represent a Sunday thru Saturday week. The red weeks are when I was on my period and the bright yellow is when I was on vacation. The bold numbers at the bottom of each week are the totals for each week and the numbers at the very bottom of the column is the total loss for the month. The 94.2 is the total I have lost to date. Its a little confusing because the negative (-) means that I gained weight. But there is it, my weight loss journey for the past (almost) 11 months.

I have done a lot of posts lately about how far I have come and it is in no way to brag. I am struggling. I need a reminder of the journey that I have taken. Every weekend I cheat a little (or a lot) and I feel like I am not getting anywhere anymore. I have lost weight this week but I am already convinced I won't be strong this weekend and I will gain it all back. I need to figure this out long term now that I am getting closer to the end and I am afraid I won't figure it out. So, I am trying hard to be proud of myself and remind myself that I am strong. These posts are more for me than anyone else - I need to be aware of my strength.

Chub Club - Results

The Chub Club competition that I have been competing in has come to an end and I WON!!! WAHOO!! In the end I won $335, which will definitely help with Christmas this year. My results are as follows:

Weight:

184.6 to 159.4

Measurements:

Arm - 11.5" to 11"

Thigh - 22" to 21"

Calf - 15.5" to 14.5"

Bust - 41" to 36.5"

Chest - 35.5" to 33"

Waist - 39" to 36"

Hip - 47" to 41"

I'm not really sure how accurate the measurements really are since I didn't really pay to much attention to the tape being in the same exact spot every week. And the weight is about 2lbs higher than on my home scale. But overall I am very happy to see some results :) Below is the picture I took for the virtual biggest loser, which ended about the time the chub club started and then a picture I took this morning (um, sorry about the quality, I suck at picture taking)

Before

After

Not a huge difference but still there.

I wanted to find a picture of myself from before I lost all this weight, but my choices are poor since I hid from the camera at every turn, but here is goes....my weight loss progress in pictures:

 This is me the day before my wedding (Nov 2007) I weighed about 230-235

Now, this is me about a month into this lifestyle change - I weighed about 236 here (from the side, sitting down is never flattering, even now I refuse to take a picture at this angle but this is the closest I have to a beginning picture this year):



Now the one from this morning side-by-side with the one 3 years ago:



 I have come a long way and needed the visual reminder myself of how much work I am put into this. It is no longer a marathon, but more of a 10k. I can't give up now, I have come too far.

Thank you C25k!

Roughly 8 months ago I was struggling to find my groove losing weight and wanted to find a way to kick my butt into high gear. Enter the Couch to 5k training plan. I had never considered running in my entire life. I was always part of the group of "walkers" when we were supposed to run 1 mile in PE in school - you walk 90% of time and then sprint to finish with the PE teacher yells that you only have a couple minutes to finish under the 12min deadline. I loathed running but started to wonder if maybe I exercised like I never had before I would lose weight like I never had before. The C25k looked totally doable, mostly because I forced myself not to focus on week 3,4,or 5 and just get through the 1st week of running 1min intervals. I still distinctly remember running on the treadmill the first time. I remember when I was 10 seconds into my first minute of running, I thought I was going to die - I watched the seconds tick by for the first full minute in complete agony. I felt like it was torture, but when I was done I felt proud of myself. Each and everytime I completed a day of c25k training I felt like I might literally die it was so hard (I put my cell phone in my sports bra in case I passed out and wouldn't be able to get back up to the phone to call for help). I remember the first time I completed 20minutes of straight running, I had to yell out loud "you can do this!" for the last 5 minutes in order to finish. I was so proud of myself when I was done - I ran upstairs to tell my husband I had made it and how amazed I was that I ran for 20 minutes straight!

I am not writing this to brag about how awesome I am, I want to remind myself how far I've come and if anyone stumbles across my blog and is contemplating starting a running program, maybe they will be encouraged at how it was not effortless for me At ALL and if they are struggling, just know that you will get through it and one day you might be running a 10k and having the time of your life while running like I just did.

I write this to remind myself at how strong I have become and have this post for me to look back on whenever I fell down on myself for any reason at all. What I accomplished this year is amazing - if I could go back in time and talk to the Amy of 10 years ago, she would NEVER believe me if I told her that I ran 5 miles the other day and had FUN because of a new jogging stroller. I have come along way and I can only hope that I keep going in the right direction.

B.O.B.

I have a new love in my life. Its the beginning of the relationship, the honeymoon phase, wanting to spend all our time together. My life was not complete until it came into my life...

There have been others that I have come into my life that I have loved just as much: Ipod, IPhone, my mini vacuum for tile floors, my nook, but none of these others things also benefit my health like the B.O.B. Ironman stroller. The first run with my new stroller was on Sunday morning and it was AWESOME. My running schedule only called for me running 2.5 miles. So I ran to Starbucks thinking I would just walk home but as I was running I realized that I was enjoying myself. Pushing my daughter in her stroller was a breeze, actually pushing might even be too strong of a word. The stroller literally felt like it was no effort to run with. I decided to run back home and, while I was running, I added an extra mile at the end because I was enjoying myself so much. This is a new experience for me, to love something that I used to loathe (running). I never thought I would get to this place. And its not all the jogging stroller but the fact that the weather was perfect, I had already completed the required mileage, and I had my daughter with me enjoying the ride - all these things together made the run fun. I have used it almost everyday since Sunday and my love has not faded, we may make it past the honeymoon period after all ;)

Holiday Plan

I decided about 3 minutes into Saturday that I wanted to take the weekend "off" from calorie counting and just enjoy the holiday weekend (read: eat candy). I was thinking I would still keep it under control and just indulge in a couple pieces of candy. Wrong. As soon as the first piece was gone there was no stopping me. I had a weekend of complete candy consumption. More sugar than I have put in my body in probably over a year. Now, I am OK with taking breaks and not worrying about what I eat for a couple of days, I think doing that makes it more possible to eat healthy long term. But this weekend was different. This weekend the old Amy sorta creeped out. I felt like I used to get when I was on a diet and decided to "take a break". I would eat WAY more than I needed to because I was going back to "dieting" on Monday. I was NEVER successful at getting back on a diet after a weekend of overindulgence. And this break had me feeling like that old Amy, just a bit. Not enough to freak me out completely, but enough to be aware that come Monday it would be more of an effort to get back to healthy eating than other breaks I have taken since I started this. I think part of it is that we are entering the holiday season and I am not sure how I am going to make it through this without completely falling off the wagon. I have a hard time during this time of year wanting to diet. Ordering iced green tea at Starbucks instead of a hot white chocolate mocha or making tacos for dinner (no cheese, sour cream, guacamole, beans) instead of lasagna. Something about the colder months makes me want to eat more comforting food. This is probably an excuse, maybe I am getting burned out - I'm really not sure. There is one thing I learned from this weekend: I am not perfect and I will have set backs. I need to not let myself get so down about setbacks that I give up completely. I need to plan ahead on how I am going to handle the upcoming holiday season. So here is my plan, in writing, for the holidays:

I Will....

• Stick with my lifestyle change everyday except for the following
• November 19-22 (Vacation)
• Thanksgiving
• Christmas Eve & Christmas Day
• Stick to my exercise schedule everyday - even the days above that I take off
• Only expect to lose a couple of pounds in the next two months - I would like to weigh 155 on January 1st 2011. If I can get through the next couple of months with even a tiny loss, I consider this a victory.

This is my plan for the holidays. Everyone needs a plan if they are trying to change their old habits - have you made yours?

New Milestone

I never weighed myself when I was younger. I never really went to the doctor regularly either. So I'm not sure the last time I was in the 150's but I am guessing it was a looong time ago. When I got my license at 16 I estimated my weight at 180, so I must have gotten that from somewhere (or I very well could have pulled it out of the air). But that is what I have to go on. I am now in a new area, one I haven't been in since probably junior high. I NEVER remember seeing 15 in front on my scale. But this week, I got there. I weighed in at 157.8 this morning. This is what my fit day weigh in page looked like:

I am 12.2lbs above the healthy range. 12.2 lbs. It boggles my mind. I have never succeeded at anything in my life the way I am succeeding at this lifestyle change. It makes me proud of myself. When people tell me I look good, I tell them thanks and that its nice to hear. Because it is. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and think I could stand to lose another 50lbs but the more I hear from people that I look good, the better I feel. I guess I still need outside validation that I look ok. That I probably look normal to people who have never met me before. I am no longer starred at (or laughed at by kids) as I ride my bike around the neighborhood. I am only 12.2lbs overweight. I am at my lowest weight in my memory and it feels awesome.

The price of weightloss (literally)

Warning: This post was too long for me to bother reading over and correcting mistakes, read at your own risk.

I have a crappy jogging stroller. I had no idea that there was such a thing as a "jogging" stroller that is not meant for jogging, only walking. So when I bought my jogging stroller I didn't go very high end because I figured they would all serve the same purpose, right? Wrong. I have had this stroller for about 5 months and I hate, HATE, running with it. It always veers off to one side, I feel like I am pushing all 21lbs of my daughter plus another 20lbs of stroller and I hate it, so I avoid running outside. The problem with this is that I LOVE running outside so much more than on the treadmill and my daughter loves it too (she is a true outdoor girl). So the other day I went for my run outside and HATED it. The jogging stroller was truly working against me, it was a struggle the entire time. At one point as I was running down the side of a pretty busy street (Rittenhouse/Gary for those of you who know the area) and there was a long line of cars waiting at the light and EVERY single person stared at me as I passed - not glanced at - but stared. I was actually pretty shocked, I mean - do I look that out of shape still that people feel the need to stare as I run past? Anyway so I get to the point where I am walking for my cool down and that is was I hear the plop,plop,plop...the front tire is 100% completely flat. No wonder people were staring I must have looked ridiculous. I had aired up the tire right before I left and looking back at how soon it was a challenge to push the stroller I am going to guess it went flat in about 5 minutes. So I got mad. I decided that I needed to research jogging strollers and get a new one (I know tires will go flat on any stroller, but this one has been a pain since the beginning). I went to the Internet and discovered a couple interesting facts:

1. If your serous about running with your jogging stroller, Never get a swivel wheel. It will not be easy to control while running.
2. The bigger the front wheel, the easier it is to push. 16" will do fine, but serious runners will want 20" because they will be the easiest to push.

My stroller is the exact opposite of these two items. I got the swivel wheel (good for leisure walks or the mall) and my front wheel is probably more like 10"-12".

So I immediately called my husband to let him know that since I was a serious runner (I guess?) and now I needed a serious jogging stroller, thinking it was no big deal. Um no, he was not OK with me buying a new one after only having this one for 5 months. His exact words were "just get a new tire tube and it will be fine. You can't spend $250 (yes, $250) on a new stroller that you don't need". This is where he and I differ, I think I DO need it. It is important part of running in my mind. Making it as enjoyable as possible so you get addicted and want to do it. I originally went cheapo with my jogging stroller because I hate investing a lot of money in something that I never use. I wanted to make sure I would use it before I spent serious money on it. Which brings me to the point of this blog post (finally):

 Weight loss is expensive...let me count the ways:

• Stationary Bike: $600
• Treadmill: $950 (including 3 year service plan)
• Bicycle: $200
• Bicycle seat for Olivia: $50
• Exercise Ball: $35
• Biggest Loser workout video: $10
• Wii + wii fit: $350 (yup, I originally bought the wii just for the wii fit to exercise)
• Serious runner exercise bras: $90 (for 2 - these were very expensive but so worth it)
• Compression shorts: $120 (for 3 pairs, but totally worth it for running)
• Asics running shoes: $120
• Beginning Nike running shoes: $65
• Television for exercise room: $450 (My husband and I went halvsies on this)
• Oh yeah, Jogging stroller: $150

Total: $3190. Holy Moly. And most of these purchases were in the last year (except for the stationary bike and wii fit those were after I got pregnant two years ago). This doesn't count the race entry fees, a bazillion tank tops, shorts, shocks, regular cheap sports bras that I have purchased in the last year. No wonder my husband thinks I should stick with my current jogging stroller. Part of me agrees with him but the other part of me, the secret part, that thinks this is all a fluke and I am going to wake up a year from now back at 250lbs unless I find a way to enjoy activity and not force myself to endure what some days is considered torture with my current jogging stroller. And in case your wondering, its not an option to leave Olivia at home while I run - my husband travels for work every week Mon-Fri. So I am up for opinions - what would you do? Spend the money or use the current jogging stroller and consider it more of a workout because its an effort to push the stroller? Just  suck it up and only run on the treadmill?

Running Maddness

I am basically finished with the Ragnar training program that I started a while ago even though the race is not until February. I started early because I wanted to make sure I could actually handle something like the Ragnar way before the week of the actual race, plus it gave me structure to my workouts and something to stick to - that I like. But I found myself this past week worried about what I should do next. After the 10k and how well it went I thought it was time to go on to the next challenge: A Half Marathon. The PF Changs Marathon/Half Marathon is in January, so a month before the Ragnar Relay. I have been hemming and hawing over tackling this for the past couple of months, I have even gone as far as to tell people I will probably do it. Here's the problem with probably its not gonna kick my butt out of bed at 3:30 in the morning to run. Paying $124 to run a half marathon? I think so. So that's what I did. I stopped being wishy-washing about this and paid the money, it was hard because it was a lot of money, but that's the point right? No turning back now (its non-refundable). I am actually excited about this. Something to get myself through the holidays. I even selected MEDIUM for my shirt size, I can't remember the last time I wore a size medium of anything (literally cannot remember). So I'm gonna keep on trucking with my running (and working because these race entries fees are expensive) and one day wake up a Runner!

10k Awesomeness

Friday before my 10k race I was a jumble of nerves all day and I was pretty sure I wouldn't sleep. I laid in bed for quite a while and finally fell asleep only to have 3 separate dreams (or nightmares) about horrible race experiences (coming in last, sleeping in and missing it, tripping and falling in front of "serious" runners). So I was pretty much a mess of nerves all morning and it only got worse as they made us wait an extra 25 minutes before starting while we waited for a superhero to show up (soooo lame and not worth the extra stress). I was pretty sure everyone was looking at me wondering what I was doing in the running group and not the walking side with the walkers. I was pretty self conscious, like I had a big sign or something that said "first timer and too big to actually run, I'm just fooling myself'". Then we started and it was awesome. We started out with a good steady pace and just trudged along. Soon enough we were passing people and I was assured that I was not going to come in last and I felt great. The running was actually easy. I'm not sure if it was the energy of the other racers or I a in such good shape now that running six miles is not that hard, but I felt great the whole time. It was AMAZING. I kept thinking as I ran how far I have come since last October. I used to walk for exercise and I would get tired walking 2 miles, I am excited that I started this journey in January and that I haven't given up even though I haven't been near perfect the whole time. Below are a few race pictures and my official results were:

Race time: 1hr 10min 4sec
11:17 minute mile
I came in 172 out of 278

Pre-Race Picture (yes, standing on my bathtub again)

Standing at the start line patiently waiting to begin

And we're off!!

3 Miles in and still going strong

Crossing the finish line....

Crossing the finish line still....

 Thats it - it was an awesome experience and I think I'm addicted!

In Denial

Its October 14th and I am +.8 lbs for the month of October. I keep thinking its the beginning of October, that we've only just begun the month, when really there is only a little more than half the month left and I haven't lost any weight yet. It freaks me out. I have known this all along in the back of my head but was pretty much ignoring the information. Watching the scale go up and down, up and down for the last two weeks has played a little bit of havoc on my weight loss sanity. I am trying to plug along as if its no big deal but at the same time I can tell I am not as committed as I was 2 or 3 months ago. We went to a football game on Sunday (An Awesome game) and I had a hot dog and half a pretzel and I am still beating myself up for it. This is just one example of going off track in the last couple of weeks and it freaks me out (did I mention, it freaks me out??). I need to go into the holiday season strong and instead I am floundering. I am keeping up with my exercise schedule and weirdly feel better than I have in months but I am not losing weight. I have no point to this post other than to vent. I need to kick my butt back into high gear but so far can only find a middle gear.

200 Miles

I just looked at my Daily Mile gadget and realized that I have run over 200 miles since June!! That's insane. 10 months ago I could barely walk around my neighborhood without feeling tired and now I can run 3 miles in the morning before I even start my day. Yesterday morning I ran a route by my Moms house that I hadn't tried to run since last May. It was amazing to see the complete difference in my abilities. As I was running I was remembering the parts where I had to stop and walk and how for most of the time I felt like I wasn't going to be able to finish. This time I ran further and didn't need to stop and walk at all. It is a nice feeling, knowing my body is capable of getting me places. That I am strong enough to really MOVE. When I look back at this past year and think of all the times I made the difficult choice to get up before the sun was up to exercise or the times that I chose not to have pizza or birthday cake and each time that decision was not easy and sometimes down right sucked but it got me where I am today - 100% happier than a measly 10 months ago. It is still not easy to make these choices and its a daily struggle, this post will hopefully help me remember why I do this. Life feels better this way, I need to remember this feeling always.

P.S. 5 days till my 10k and I am freaking out less, its a good sign :)

10k Race Jitters

Reading the title you might have figured I was running a 10k this weekend, right? Because who gets jitters for a race more than a couple nights before? Who gets jitters a whole week and a day before? That person may need to chill.

I am running in my first race ever, Next Saturday, and I thought I would handle it in stride and not be too nervous and I'm already freakin' nervous. I signed up for the Not Your Average Joe 10k (Click on the picture if you want to register :) ) and as I was running this morning on the treadmill I started to get nervous.  You see about a month ago I switched from outdoor running to treadmill running because it got too dark in the morning. And when I say too dark I mean it. My neighborhood is street light free, who knew such places existed? I had no idea and freaked out the first time I drove to my house and realized how dark it was. I never looked for street lights during the day and assumed they would be there, like every other house I have lived in. It is too dark for me to feel safe running, mostly because I have to take Olivia and it just doesn't feel safe until they invent a jogging outfit that lights up as bright as spotlights.

Wow, I got off track. Where was I? So I have been running on the treadmill and it worries me that I won't be able to run a 10k outside. I have no idea where this fear comes from. I ran outside a lot this summer, I know I can do it. I think part of me is just freaked out to be running in a race in general. I am worried about... what to wear - shorts or pants? ponytail or bun? Ipod or No ipod? Run with the person I know who is running the race too or leave her behind because she is slower than me?

I am sure in the end this will be a great experience and I am going to run outside tomorrow morning so I can get a feel for whether or not I am freaking out for nothing. But still, how do people get past the jitters? Will this happen for every race I sign up for or is it just first timer jitters? Will I drive myself crazy before next Saturday? Stay tuned.

Clothing Dilemma

Last week I had a day of super motivation. This means I was itching to get things done in my house. I cleaned the fridge (pulled everything out and scrubbed the inside down) and tackled my closet, which was a huge undertaking. Before I got married and had to Share things, like my closet, I was pretty organized. Everything had a place and was usually put back in that place. I am not sure why having someone else in my space sort of ruined that, but it did. And it BUGGED me. Our closet was a disaster. I hated having to go in there to find clothes and even worse, it made laundry an unbearable task. I could never find enough hangers, or space for my clothes. As much as it drove me nuts I wasn't really sure how to deal with it. I had a TON of clothes in there and just not enough space.

This is why it took me a year after we moved in to organize the closet - I had to be willing to part with some of my clothes. Getting rid of bigger clothes is really hard and its even harder to admit that its because I think a big part of me thinks I am going to fail and need the big sizes again. Even now, 9 months into my journey, longer than I have ever made it, I am still afraid. But it was time to let go of that fear, to not have the crutch of bigger clothes. So if I do fall of the wagon and gain 10 lbs I won't have a bigger size on hand to wear and hopefully I will get back on track fast because I HATE buying bigger sizes. All these years and through all the diets I have always kept the bigger sizes, just in case, and I ended up using them. Not this time. I went through the closet with a vengeance and got rid of a least a third of my clothing that no longer fits. This is about a quarter of the clothes I got rid of:

Although to be perfectly honest, I did box up two boxes of bigger clothes that I might be able to wear next time I am pregnant (some maternity, some just big sizes). Therein lies the dilemma. Having these clothes saved for being pregnant one more time makes sense financially, but am I using them still as a crutch? Knowing they are in there? I'm not sure and if I ever consider breaking out that box while not pregnant I hope I have the courage to get rid of those boxes and lose the weight I have gained to fit in my regular clothes.

Over Sensitive?

Last night I was talking to my husband on the phone (since he is always out of town) and I was giving myself a pat on the back from losing weight (because I can't count on him to do it...) and I said:

Me: I am only 20lbs away from my goal weight. I am excited because for a while I didn't think I would make it by the end of the year.

Him: Only 20lbs? That is good. Maybe you'll keep losing after that.

I am probably being over-sensitive, but that comment kinda stung. My mind translated this to: you look like you could stand to lose more than 20lsb. (And for the record, I do plan on losing weight after 145 but I am not setting any goals or timeline on it.)

I am pretty sure I am never going to be good enough for him at this point and there is always going to be some way for him to make me feel like I haven't done enough. It bugs me. He has never really struggled with weight or food issues, what gives him the right to judge me? My mind could go on and on with this if I start to over-analyze the statement.  I am not going to bring it up with him because talking about my weight is not a comfortable topic with him, possibly because it becomes clear that he wishes I was a size 4 kinda girl (which isn't really fair since I was a size 24 when we got married - I wasn't hiding the obese girl in the closet or anything). So help me out - how would interrupt this comment? Would you be offended? Brush it off?

New Terriitory

I have been Obese (such an awful word, I actually cringed when I typed that) for almost as long as I can remember. I remember the time I crossed over the line from thinking I was fat to actually being fat. It was the summer between 3rd grade and 4th grade, I was 10. I knew once I started 4th grade that I was really, truly, fat. I have felt and thought I was fat as long as I can remember but I recognized once I was really, truly, overweight that I hadn't been before. Anyway, I'm rambling, I am sure that from 10 years old on I have been classified as "obese". I never weighed myself, let alone kept track of my weight, so I can't be sure of the exact numbers but I do know that when I got my license at 16 my best guess at my weight was 180lbs (but that was underestimating...so who knows what it was). But now, being obese, is part of my past - it is no longer is who I am. I stepped on the scale a couple weeks ago and it put me in new territory (174.5lbs) I was no longer obese, I was Overweight.

I waited a couple of weeks to celebrate this because I wanted to make sure it stuck before I wrote this post. As of this morning I am at 166.5lbs and figured I was in the clear to call myself overweight. I know I'm not supposed to care too much about the BMI but I do. I love being able to say overweight instead of obese. I LOVE that I finally weight much less than my husband. I love that I don't feel as embarrassed to be out in public like I used to. I love that Olivia could fit on my lap on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland and when the bar came down it didn't crush her (and it was close, so I know that probably just 3 or 4 months ago we wouldn't have fit together). This is totally worth it. Waking up at 4am to exercise, measuring and keeping track of all food, giving up soda, Starbucks, and juice - all of this is worth it in the end. This feeling. The happiness of knowing I am close to my goal and I am a healthier mother who has the energy for my daughter. She will never have a memory of me as obese because I will never let myself get back there. This is the new me and I keeping it.

Vacation!!

I'm headed out of town - escaping the heat for slightly less heat (seriously Anaheim, 88 degrees???) and going to enjoy a different kind of work - taking a 19month old to Disneyland. My stepdaughter has never been to California, let alone Disneyland, so we planned the trip for once Olivia was old enough to semi enjoy it and not make our lives a nightmare (we'll see on this one...). Luckily (or not so much) my husband doesn't really like Disneyland so he will basically be on Olivia duty. He's already set to take her back to the hotel for naps and hang out with her while Jaci (my stepdaughter) and I go on the rides. I am excited to get away and a little ashamed to admit, excited to eat with less rigid guidelines. Yup, I've been on two vacations since this lifestyle change began and on both I ate less than perfect (not out of hand, but not like I was on a diet) and both times I was successful at not letting it derail me when I was back home. Would it be too cocky to say I think I've figured this diet thing out? YUP. I won't say that but I do think that I've at least figured out that gaining 2 or 3 pounds on vacation does not mean that I have to give up all together and decide to stop eating healthy. I know I will gain a couple of pounds and I am prepared to deal with it. I may have not figured everything out but I am 10 times closer than I was a year ago.

Award

This is my first award!

Cherry on Top Award Rules

Thank the person that gave you the award.

This award was given to me by Ginger over at Ginger is losing it. Thanks you Ginger! Ginger is awesome, she writes inspiring posts and puts it all out there. Ginger always leaves encouraging comments which is awesome, definetly one of the nicest girls on the weight loss blog block. So, again, thank you Ginger - not just for the award, but the support :)

Answer the question: If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

This one is easy, I would have never gotten fat? Is that possible? I started gaining weight when I was very young (9, 10 years old) - so, maybe never gotten fat would be hard to change. SO I would change how long it took me to start getting healthy. I would go back and start when I was a teenager because lets face it being a overweight teenager pretty much sucks big time (and thats putting it mildly).

I can't pick six, I want to give this award to everyone that reads my blog :)


In non-award news, I woke up this morning at 4:15 to get my 40 minute run in before I had to go to work and it was easy. Easy to get out of bed and easy to finish. IS it possible that I am approaching healthy? Can I really run 3.3 miles without too much complaining? Remember this? I am really happy I have this blog to help me remember how far I have come so that I don't give up.

Venting

Being a step mom is hard. It makes me want to eat. A lot of people don't understand how difficult it is to be a quasi-parent to a 12 year old girl. Its hard to understand unless you have to do it yourself. My husband is out of town Monday - Friday every week for work and her mom is out of the picture (has been for years) and so it is left to me most days to be the parent and its not easy. I am constantly worried that decisions I make will mess her up - I sorta feel its OK to mess up a child I brought into the world, but someone else's? Not so much. She's failing classes in school (8 weeks in) and I don't know how to handle it. This is not something new, I have been married 2 years and both of those years my husband and I  tried different things (grounding, tutoring, workbooks, rewards for motivation, counseling) to try and motivate her to at least pass her classes. But this year I am by myself with my husbands daughter and she is still failing and now I feel like its all my fault. This year I checked her homework every night, made sure she got all of her "stamps" (the teacher stamps their notebook if they turned in their homework and were organized and on time for class) and she still did not do well. I feel useless and depressed. I'm at a loss and I want to bake and eat, so instead I am venting - to you, my blog. Because I can't turn to my best friend food anymore.

Emotional Eating

Bad stuff is happening and it makes me want to eat. Not fruits and vegetables, JUNK. Its not even bad stuff that is happening directly to me, its just in the peripheral of my life and yet I still feel like I should eat. Where does this come from? Why can't I be one of those people who loses their appetite when stressed or depressed? At least I am recognizing it and staying clear from junk food which means I've come a long way. However, my first instinct is still to turn to food to make it all better (for a mili-second) - will this habit ever go away? Probably not, I am sure I will battle this for life and  I can only take it one day minute at a time.

Obsessing

I am getting obsessive about my weight loss. Some would consider this a good thing, but not me. I am constantly counting my calories and checking multiple websites to determine how many calories I can eat because I don't trust just one (or two, or three...). I am exercising a minimum of an hour and 15 minutes a day and I have gone to countless websites to find out how many calories I am actually burning (and the difference from site to site is huge). My point in all of this is not to brag at how awesome I am doing (because I'm not - the 1000+ calories of cupcakes over the weekend is proof of that), my point is that I don't like how obsessive I have become about my weight. Whether I am doing good or bad on any given day - something about weight loss is consuming my mind. I am constantly checking and double checking whether I am doing good enough, or if its been a bad day, checking to see how bad the damage might be. I wake up and I am instantly excited or anxious to get on the scale and see what it says. The number on the scales consumes me - sometimes putting a damper on my entire day if I don't see the number I want to see. I would like to say that I have figured out a way to change this. To not let the scale or calories intake run my entire life. I don't know how. If I stop focusing on it so much I have this HUGE fear that I will fall back into old habits. I know the minute I stop weighing myself daily is the moment I have given up altogether. I have been here before. I am 1.5 away from my lowest weight ever because last time I got to this point something clicked and I just stopped dieting and over time gained back all 85lbs I had lost. I need to find a middle ground between caring too much and not caring at all because the obsessing is exhausting me. Any tips, thoughts, help, experience? I need it.

Cupcake sabatoge

My weekend started out good, no Great. I completed my longest run ever - 7miles (84 minutes of running) and I felt completely empowered by my ability to complete such a long run. So I rewarded myself. My husband and I were about an hour away from our house watching my sister complete her 4th (I think) triathlon - she is a rock star, she finished with all the super athletic people - anyways, I am getting off track, where was I? Rewarding myself, right. So on our way home we stopped at death by sugar otherwise known as Sprinkles. I was going to get one cupcake and share it with my daughter. So I picked my favorite flavor (vanilla, vanilla) and that was that. Except they had a Banana flavor that I have never had so I had to get that one to try. I did pretty good. I split the banana cupcake with my husband and daughter, ending up with only eating a 4th. Good for me. Then later I split the vanilla with my daughter, another ok choice. But I was left with a box of three cupcakes sitting in my kitchen - how you ask? My husband picked three for himself, yup three. Then when it came time to eat them he just didn't feel like it (spoken like a person who has never had to give up any food and diet) so I had another half of a chocolate chocolate cupcake and a quarter of a back and white cupcake. Holy Cupcake overload. I am pretty sure that any good I did my body by running in the morning was completely wiped out by all the sugar consumption. This has started to be a pattern ever since I kicked up the amount of exercise in a day - I feel like I can eat more and not more fruit and veggies, but junk. Not good. I have no idea how to fix this. No proclamations of No More junk starting today, I would like to say that but I am tired of using this blog to spout out affirmations that I might not stick to. I am going to try no more junk starting today and I hope I can do it, but no promises.

Running Mojo

Starting last night as I was riding my stationary bike I was already dreading getting up today because I knew I had to run for 50min - yep, I still don't really enjoy running. Except this morning. I got on the treadmill and started running and its not that I loved it, but it wasn't that hard to run. I finished my 50min no problem and probably would have kept going if not for the fact that I needed to get to work. It was awesome, running is so much more enjoyable when I am not constantly looking at the time and calculating how much longer I have. I can only hope this lasts through Saturday because I have to run for 80 minutes!! That seems impossible to me. Children's movies aren't even that long because that would be too long to hold their attention. Scary. But maybe today's mojo will last - who knows maybe I will even like running from now on....One can dream right?

Fighting the Panic

So I let the holiday weekend get the best of me and ate, and ate, and ate...you get the idea. This morning when I weighed myself it was not good, not really a big surprise, but still the Panic set in. I immediately felt like I am never going to meet my goal weight, that I have no self control, that I should just give up and keep eating because I am not making progress (this week...). I used to let these thoughts take over and completely sabotage me and, believe me, they are getting to me now but I am not going to quit. This is the problem with setting a deadline. I set a deadline to be at my goal weight (145lbs) by the end of the year which I thought was a reasonable goal and it is, if you are 100% all the time eating perfectly and I'm not. No big deal really, but I make it into a big deal because I might not make my goal by my deadline which means I'm a big fat failure, not really but that's what I tend to think. I am spending the morning trying not be down on myself and trying not to talk myself into giving up.

That's why I am happy that I started this blog. I have put my weight loss journey out there for everyone to read and it helps me to keep going. Reading other blogs and know that people have the same struggles and have succeeded inspires me. If I had not figured out that this whole blogging community exists than I am pretty sure that I would have reverted to my old ways and would have given up a while ago. So, thanks, for reading my blog and encouraging me or writing your own blog so that I know I am not alone in this struggle. For helping me to not give into the Panic and give up.

What am I Doing?

Now that it is noticeable to other people that I have lost weight I get this question a lot and the stupid thing is is that I never really have a good answer. I say something like eating better, exercising - you know standard stuff, but really it is more than that. Here is what has lead to success (so far):

• Eating better:
•  Keeping my calories between 1400-1700 everyday - Weighing all my food on my digital scare to make sure I am not going over a serving size
• Eating whole grains - cutting out wheat flour (I buy/make spelt bread)
• Cutting out processed sugar - if I bake something (i.e bread I use natural sugars: Succant, Date Sugar, Honey, etc)
• No dairy - my body just doesn't like dairy, plus cutting out cheese really cuts out a lot of calories, this is difficult as sometimes I want to try making a healthier pizza, but cheese is just not on the menu these days
• Nothing to drink but water & tea - No juice, no diet/regular soda, no espresso, no alcohol

• Exercising
• I didn't actually get serious with this until about 3 months in - I think you have to take on one major change (diet or exercise) first so that you don't get overwhelmed right away
• Setting a goal - I decided I wanted to run a 5k and started by completing the Couch to 5k, this gave me something to stick to
• Keep setting goals - I decided to motivate myself to keep running to sign up for a 10k and the Ragnar and so I have a set running schedule by following the Ragnar training program
• Making sure I fit in either the exercise bike or running everyday, for at least 40 minutes minimum (I have recently kicked this up to a minimum of twice a day for at least 35min)

• Rewarding myself:
•  Different rewards I have given myself
• Manicure/Pedicure
• Nook
• Running Shoes
• TV for exercise area
• Rewards to come
• New Makeup
• Trip to New Orleans
• $1000 clothes shopping spree (this is my reward for maintaining my goal weight for 6 months)

These are the main things that I am doing to make sure I succeed. I have never gotten this low in weight without following a 'crash' diet and it feels awesome. I feel like I will be able to reach my goal and maintain it because I am not completely depriving myself of things I like and it feels empowering.

Changing my exercise routine - more calories?

So I decided to kick my exercise up a notch by adding a second "session" on the exercise bike. As I am getting smaller I know that I need to change it up in order to keep on losing weight and the best way, I figured, was to move my body more (more calories Out). Then I was entering my cardio in Sparkpeople and there was a message referring to too much exercise, need to adjust my calories, blah, blah, blah. So I did what was prompted and changed my daily exercise from 40min to 70min and it increased my recommended daily calories by 400 a day?!? Is this really going to be effective? Am I really going to increase the amount of weight I lose each week if I have to eat more calories? Does this work? I am skeptical and so far have not increased my calorie intake, but have not lost weight any quicker like I hoped with my increase in exercise. Ugh. Sometimes trying to figure out my body and what it wants in order to drop the fat makes my head spin. I am going to give it a couple more weeks of more exercise - same calories - and see if I am still not losing weight quicker like I wanted.

Another life-style change

Starting tomorrow (payday) I am putting myself on a strict budget. I am going to get myself out of debt. Now, this shouldn't seem like something that is hard to do. I am pretty lucky that I don't have many bills to pay (car payment, insurance, HOA fees, Netflix, & Tivo). My husband takes care of the big bills (mortgage, electric, gas, water, & cell phones). So you might be thinking to yourself - why is she even in debt?? I ask myself that question often but the fact is I have a shopping issue.I love to buy things, which I can keep under control pretty easily if I am not on a diet. Huh? How are the two things related? The pleasure I used to get from eating a really good piece half a pizza I now get when buying things. If I am bored and start thinking about snacking I decide to go to Target, get a green tea at Starbucks, and just buy a few (or twenty) things. I have fun and enjoy having new things. No, I did not get into deep debt by target shopping (treadmill, TV for exercise room, new couch, new dressers, bed, nightstand...you get the idea) but it is not helping things. I need to cut out the needless shopping and pay off my credit cards. I do plan on having another baby one day but I have made a promise to myself that I can't have another child until...

A. I am healthy, not just weight but overall
B. I have no debt so the chance of me being able to stay home and not work greatly increase.

So I am feeling the pressure (from myself) now that I am getting closer to my healthy goal that I need to get my act together in the debt goal. But the question remains - can I cut out useless shopping and junk food at the same time??? Am I going to go back to my unhealthy eating habits? We shall see.

The Results

Today is the end of the Virtual Biggest Loser Completion and although I don't think I won I am pretty happy with my results. Here are the results:

Beginning Weight: 199.5

Final Today's Weight: 177

At first I was a little disappointed with myself knowing that I am capable of doing better but then I really looked at the numbers. I lost 22.5lbs in 12 weeks - that's pretty freaking awesome! Yup, I am proud of myself. I emailed my after picture and didn't think that the weight loss was noticeable because it was only 20something lbs but when I opened up my before picture I could tell I lost weight - can you?

BEFORE

TODAY

Maybe I only see a difference because I am wearing lighter colors or because I am my arms are raised to take the picture (Yes, I am standing on my bathtub - it is the only way to get a full body picture in my house) but I see a difference non the less and I am happy. It seems like just a couple weeks ago this contest started and I thought that I didn't have much results, it just goes to show that it is best to take things one day at a time and before you know it results are there.

Challange

I joined a challenge I saw on Gingers blog which I am really excited about. Its not about losing weight!! There is a prize for the person who works out the most and the person who walks/runs the most miles. I love this because sometimes you are doing everything right and still cannot lose the weight - this will motivate me to keep going to with the exercise part, which is a big part of getting healthy. If you want to check it out go here to Its Just Me Drazil and Sheniqua.

Did you know....

If you lie to Sparkpeople about the food you eat during the day your body isn't fooled? I sometimes find myself eating a large banana but selecting medium or entering .25 avocado when it was really .5. I am not sure why I do this but clearly some little unreasonable part of me thinks that if it isn't in sparkpeople than it didn't count. Foolish, foolish girl.

I came in first for week 11 of the virtual biggest loser which only happened because of my weight loss from being sick (I have already gained back .5lb since I started eating normal again). So I was happy but not super overjoyed, there is no way I am going to win or probably even come in 2nd or 3rd but at least this helped me stay on track for most of the summer (worth the $10 I say). Maybe part of my problem is lying to sparkpeople...

That Person

The most exciting thing happened yesterday - my wedding ring fell off! Granted, I was flinging my hand to see if it would fall off but still I was so excited that it actually did. I've mentioned this before but this is a big thing for me because it was one of my low moments when I decided to get it re-sized bigger. That was a sign to me that I had given up. I had decided that I was never going to lose weight, that is was impossible. Honestly, if I hadn't started having health issues that scared me into losing weight I am sure I would still be 250lbs. Even if I had scary health issues but didn't have my daughter here for me to stick around for, I probably would have given up by now. But as I've mention before, my daughter keeps me going. I want, I need, to be here for her. So when other people struggle or give up when on a weight loss journey I completely understand. I was That Person 5, 10, a million times before and still have That Person inside me talking me into poor choices here and there. My biggest fear is that I will still let That Person take over one day and I will gain all the weight back. I won't let That Person back in. I will be strong.

Fake Weight Loss

So I've been sick for the past three days, haven't felt like exercising or eating, ever. So when I weighed myself this morning I had lost 5lbs from Friday. This would have been really exciting last week before I got sick but since I have been sick, I know this is just an illusion, a weight loss apparition. I cannot let myself get excited about this loss because as soon as I start eating normal food again the weight will all come back - or worse more weight will come back because I have slowed down my metabolism by not eating most of the weekend. Being sick is overall Not Fun, but I think its just cruel for my body to lose weight that I know is not staying off. I mad at the future weight gain that is going to happen. I mad that a tiny part of me is excited about the weight loss but I can't really be excited because I am 99.9% sure it is not real. So, I have fallen behind on my running and have false weight loss hope. I'm grumpy. Being sick is no fun.

Random Rambles

I am in week 11 of 20 of the Ragnar Relay beginner training and it is getting to the scary point. Tomorrow, I have to run for 60min total which I think I can manage but just two weeks from now I have to run 80min and a month from now 120min (2 hours!!). I cannot fathom being able to run that long, can my body really do this? Will I be able to run for the length of an average Movie? A couple of months ago I thought I would never be able to run an hour and I am very close to that (55min is my longest time) but I have had over 5 months to work up to an hour and I am supposed to double that time in just a month. Crazy.

On a different note, I am no longer losing weight. I thought it was because I was snacking too much or my portions were too big, so for the past week I have been measuring my food and entering in all my calories. Not one piece of food has entered my mouth without being counted and I still am not losing weight, which is frustrating. I am getting to the point where I feel like I am not going to lose anymore weight and never reach my goal. I am about 12lbs from my lowest weight ever and it feels like I may never get there. I am not quiting but this is getting harder.

Finally, I wanted to post my beginning weight for the Chub Club so that I can keep track of how well I am doing every week. So here it goes:

Week 1 Starting weight: 184.5
Chub Club goal weight: 170

That means that I need to lose basically 15lbs in 12 weeks. It shouldn't be too hard but at the rate I am going it might not happen. I am not going to beat myself up if I try my hardest and don't meet my goal, as long as I lose something I should be happy, right? Right.

My Matured Sweet Tooth

I have a sweet tooth. I know big confession for an overweight gal like me. When I started this journey I cut out all deserts and sweets of any sorts. It was rough, but had to be done in order to see any results. Well, that was 8 months ago and I have come a long way. I still have the sweet tooth but it has changed, it only needs a little bit of sweet to be satisfied and this is what works best:

Notice, it is Dark Chocolate this is significant for me because my whole life I am despised dark chocolate - even in chocolate chip cookies I preferred less chocolate chips because they just weren't sweet enough for me. I have come a long way. After lunch and dinner when my sweet tooth kicks in (because it ALWAYS does) I break of one square (only 36 calories) and amazingly enough my sweet tooth is satisfied. I feel like this is a sign that I am becoming a grown up (or at least my taste buds are...) I am not even sure how much I would like milk chocolate at this point - it might be too sweet (crazy!). I found this chocolate in my Moms pantry when I was so desperate for something sweet I gave it a try, but if you can't locate them in your own Moms pantry, they can be found a Trader Joe's and if your sweet tooth is ready for it, this is the Dark Chocolate to try.

Losing Weight Means....

1. Being able to run further

2. Going up the stairs in my house without getting winded

3. Fitting in the drivers seat in my corolla like I am supposed to (within the 'indented' spot)

4. Going swimming with my daughter in front of other people (still just extended family, but that's more than I would have allowed before)

5. Not being embarrassed at how I fit in amusement park rides (because I fit fine!!)

6. Being able to shop in "normal" stores for clothes

7. Not being terrified of the airplane seat (although, I haven't been on a plane in a long time)

8. Taking the time to care about how I look (Blow drying my hair, putting on make-up)

9. Being able to wear old clothes that had moved to the "doesn't fit" side of the closet

10. Keeping up with my one year old as she learns to sprint away from me


I know there are a ton more that I haven't thought of and I am sure at some point there will be another list but for now, this is awesome enough for me.

Chub Club

I started a post on Wednesday about how much I enjoyed my run that morning. I had run for 2.5 miles and felt awesome during and after I was complete. I felt empowered, my body was strong, and I was in a good mood all day. Flash forward to today. I went for a 2 mile run this morning and HATED it. I was tired, out of breath, slow, and just overall not feeling the vibe. I think this is why so many people don't run (this is just a guess) because even when you think you've got it down, at least on small runs, you go back to feeling like it is Day 1 all over again. At least this time I have the memory of how great it was on Wednesday and will just keep going with the hope that my next run will feel like that (it better, it will be 55minutes long...).

In other weight loss news...I have been doing a Virtual Biggest Loser contest this summer that is coming to an end soon. I have to say that I thought this would motivate me but I found myself not caring if I didn't win the big prize - after all I only put in $10 - and I have found myself slowly snacking more and more. If the summer has been hard I can only imagine how hard the fall & Holidays are going to be. I love baking an it is almost impossible for me to go through the fall and the holidays without baking things. So I need more motivation. So I joined something called the Chub Club. Its like the virtual biggest loser only in person (we have to weigh in In Front of each other)and with a lot more money to lose. The rules are as follows:

• Beginning on Sunday, August 8th and ends on Sunday, November 7th. This will give me 16 weeks exactly and give me the extra push before the holidays (during which I basically want to just maintain my weight or lose a few lbs)


• The initial buy in will be $50.00 (that's a lot of money to me - I have to go into this trying to win)

• After that, it will be $10 every time you weigh in and have gained weight and $5 for every time you weigh in and stay the same. (money motivates)

Pretty strict weigh-in rules and I seriously debated whether to go into this because if I keep doing what I have been the last two months then at the very least I would have had to pay out $5 frequently but I guess that's where the motivation comes in. The hope is that when I am thinking about not measuring out my food and just eating til I feel like it is a serving, I will remember that now if I gain weight or even not lose weight, I've got to fork over the big bucks! I am excited for this but a little scared. I think it will motivate me but there is a small chance I could end up paying out a lot of money. I will keep you updated. Have a happy Friday!

Journaling

I passed the 50 mile mark for running, which I am pretty excited about since I only started tracking the miles I run at the end of June. This morning I finished the first day of week 10 training for the Ragnar, which means I ran for 30 minutes and since I am still plugging along at a 12min mile pace I finished 2.5 miles. For a moment, when I was done, I was disappointed with myself. How come I can't run faster? How come at like minute #2 I want to quit everytime? How come I still feel like I can't do it??

When I first started this journey I knew I had to exercise at some point in order to really be healthier, so about a month into changing my diet I decided to take up bike riding. I went to Target (yes, Target) and bought the cutest bike they had for the money I wanted to spend (not a lot because I wanted to make sure biking was something I would love before spending the big bucks). The first time I rode the bike I went about a mile, just sort of riding around to get a feel for the bike. The next night I went out for a Real Ride on my bike. I took ride on a loop through my neighborhood, which was 2.5 miles long. I came back feeling good, no Great, about myself. I had gone for a bike ride and worked out. I felt accomplished and like I was on the right path. Fast forward 5 months - I went on that same 2.5 mile loop this morning, only instead of riding a bike, I used my legs and ran. I am not sharing this to point out how awesome I am but because I came home feeling like I am not doing enough. I felt like I should be able to run faster, cover more ground in my 30min run. I felt disappointed in myself and it bugged me. In 5 months I have gone from riding my bike the same distance to being able to run it. That's huge. I need to stop putting myself down. I think that is part of why I turned to food so much, thinking I wasn't worth the effort to eat healthy. I need to break the habit and that part of the purpose of this blog for me. A journal that I can look back on and remember why I started this journey and how far I have come, so I can be proud of myself and not feel stupid for being proud.

Supergirl 10k

I signed up for my first 10k today, and this time I promise I will actually run in it. As we get closer to fall in AZ it seems like there are a ton more races to choose from and, initially, I was going to find a 5k to run since I know for sure now that I would be able to complete it. However, it occured to me that running a 5k might not feel like much of an accomplishment since by the time the race comes I should be running, at minimum, 3 miles 4 times a week. So I signed up for a 10k. Down the street from my house. Yup, I will be able to pretty much walk there if I wanted to. Huge bonus for me. Not having to wake up and drive an hour just to get to the race will be nice, but more importantly, the chances of my husband actually showing up and cheering me on increase like a bazillion percent and that would be nice. Just to have someone there to witness the accomplishment. When I bailed on the 5k part of the reason was the fact that he had no desire to go with me and watch me finish. I shouldn't need anyone, but for my first race I would like someone there to witness, to take pictures, and to basically support me.

The one drawback to the race is something I had no idea even existed: it is superhero themed. Huh? They want you to dress as your favorite superhero. Already I am going through my head of superheros trying to remember one that dressed in shorts and a tank top...if anyone knows if this superhero exists, let me know. I will start googling XL supergirl costume to see if any of them come as shorts and a tank top (supergirl was my favorite).  I am new to this running thing and I can't imagine running in tights and a cape or in full costume like this guy. Will I be ostracized for not dressing up? Am I going to stress about this until the morning of the race? Yup. But I will finish this, how can I bail on three races? I can't, not an option.  I think I will let everyone in my life know I am running so I have NO CHOICE but to run. I can do and I will not fail.

Typical Morning

This morning as I was driving through Starbucks I was thinking about a year ago and how different my morning would have been. A typical morning a year ago would include:

• Rolling out of bed at 5:55
• Showering, dressing in my one of my 2 pairs of grungy size 24 (almost too tight) denim Capri's and a maternity top (6 months after having the baby...)
• Leaving for work at 6:15 planning on picking up whatever fast food would sound good for lunch
• Driving through Starbucks to order my venti soy white chocolate mocha & depending on the morning a blueberry muffin
• Arriving for work by 7

Todays typical morning is pretty different:

• Still rolling out of bed (I never Jump out of bed), only at 4:45am
• Throwing on my exercise clothes and heading out for a run, anywhere from 2-4 miles
• Getting back from my run, getting ready for work putting on my size 16 shorts, cause I'm not afraid to show a little leg and a tank top (cause its too hot here to care that my arms look huge...)
• Packing my breakfast and lunch for the day
• Breakfast: Spelt bread, almond butter and a banana
• Lunch: Tuna salad and rice chips
• Leaving for work at 6:00
• Driving through Starbucks to get my iced green tea (unsweetened)
• Arriving for work by 6:30

If makes me feel good to see the changes and how much better my overall lifestyle is. I might not be losing weight as fast as I was a couple of months ago but overall the choices I am making for myself are way better than they used to be. Its not only about the weight but being overall healthier.