I have lost confidence in myself. Its been a long time since I have posted on my blog and it almost feels like I shouldn't write on here anymore, but I have almost no one to talk to about my weight struggles, so here I am.
Most everyone in my life might understand trying to lose 10-15 or the baby weight that they gained while pregnant but almost no one understands what it is like to battle obesity. Its harder than I imagine it would be beause there was a time when I was obese but not battling it. There was a point, back in 2003, before I lost a bunch of weight by going a doctor supervised starvation diet (not what the dr called it) that I had just accepted that I would always be fat. And I don't want to say that I was ok with it but I had just come to terms with that being my life. Then I lost 80lbs and knew what it was like not to be the biggest person in the room. But the weight doesn't magically stay off and I never learned good habits losing weight the starving way. I gained back the weight over the next 3 years and it was worse then before.
Instead of the fat girl, I was the fat girl who gained it all back. And I knew there were some people who were smug about it, telling themselves all along I would gain the weight back. Other people who felt sorry for me. Other people who were shocked that I couldn't control myself. Losing the weight and gaining it back was worse than having never lost the weight. And I am here again. I haven't gained back 80lbs, only 20 this time, and I am in fact only about 4 lbs more than when I lost the 80lbs back in 2004, but I still feel like its coming. Those 80lbs are coming for me. I am starting to doubt that I will be able to keep the weight off and even more I doubt that I will be able to lose the last 30. Its such a horrible feeling, gaining back all the weight, that I almost panic just thinking about it. But there is part of me that is sure it is going to happen.
In the last two and a half years since I started losing weight I have always been able to keep up with exercise. I have been running and attribute that to the fact that I only gained back 20lbs instead of 80lbs. I would eat good during the week but let it go on the weekends. But would run 10-15 miles on the weekend and 10-15 druing the week. But the last two months I have not felt like running. Its like something snapped in my brain and I don't want to do it anymore. I have been forcing myself to get out there and run but also finding myself giving into excuses not to. This freaks me out. I have not run more than 3 miles at a time in the last week and it freaks me out. I have heard over and over that running is more mentally challanging than physically and that is very true. Less than a month ago I ran a half marathon, averaging 11min miles, but I am already telling myself that I can't do it anymore. That I am losing my running ablity and under that is the fear that if I can't run anymore, I will gain the weight back. It is only a matter of time. I am not sure where to find my motivation or confidence in myself that I will be able to continue, so I thought I would start back here. Writing in my blog like I used to. Reading old entries that I wrote when I first started running to remember what I did to feel confident in myself. Getting back to what worked in 2010.
