I have lost confidence in myself. Its been a long time since I have posted on my blog and it almost feels like I shouldn't write on here anymore, but I have almost no one to talk to about my weight struggles, so here I am.
Most everyone in my life might understand trying to lose 10-15 or the baby weight that they gained while pregnant but almost no one understands what it is like to battle obesity. Its harder than I imagine it would be beause there was a time when I was obese but not battling it. There was a point, back in 2003, before I lost a bunch of weight by going a doctor supervised starvation diet (not what the dr called it) that I had just accepted that I would always be fat. And I don't want to say that I was ok with it but I had just come to terms with that being my life. Then I lost 80lbs and knew what it was like not to be the biggest person in the room. But the weight doesn't magically stay off and I never learned good habits losing weight the starving way. I gained back the weight over the next 3 years and it was worse then before.
Instead of the fat girl, I was the fat girl who gained it all back. And I knew there were some people who were smug about it, telling themselves all along I would gain the weight back. Other people who felt sorry for me. Other people who were shocked that I couldn't control myself. Losing the weight and gaining it back was worse than having never lost the weight. And I am here again. I haven't gained back 80lbs, only 20 this time, and I am in fact only about 4 lbs more than when I lost the 80lbs back in 2004, but I still feel like its coming. Those 80lbs are coming for me. I am starting to doubt that I will be able to keep the weight off and even more I doubt that I will be able to lose the last 30. Its such a horrible feeling, gaining back all the weight, that I almost panic just thinking about it. But there is part of me that is sure it is going to happen.
In the last two and a half years since I started losing weight I have always been able to keep up with exercise. I have been running and attribute that to the fact that I only gained back 20lbs instead of 80lbs. I would eat good during the week but let it go on the weekends. But would run 10-15 miles on the weekend and 10-15 druing the week. But the last two months I have not felt like running. Its like something snapped in my brain and I don't want to do it anymore. I have been forcing myself to get out there and run but also finding myself giving into excuses not to. This freaks me out. I have not run more than 3 miles at a time in the last week and it freaks me out. I have heard over and over that running is more mentally challanging than physically and that is very true. Less than a month ago I ran a half marathon, averaging 11min miles, but I am already telling myself that I can't do it anymore. That I am losing my running ablity and under that is the fear that if I can't run anymore, I will gain the weight back. It is only a matter of time. I am not sure where to find my motivation or confidence in myself that I will be able to continue, so I thought I would start back here. Writing in my blog like I used to. Reading old entries that I wrote when I first started running to remember what I did to feel confident in myself. Getting back to what worked in 2010.
I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Extra tired, extra depressed. I was telling myself that it would pass and it was just a phase. Telling myself that I was probably tired because I was getting up at 4am to work, never mind the fact that I was in bed by 8:30 most nights. But then running started to get hard. Really hard. I used to be able to run 3,4,5 miles without wanting to stop every 2 minutes. And then my husband sent me flowers just because and I knew I should feel that rush of happiness but nothing. I told myself it was because I don't really like flowers anymore (not true). But then the next week he came home from work with a new coach purse (for me) and I was happy about it but I didn't feel excited or super happy about it. This really bothered me. I wasn't feeling anymore. Happy, sad, excited, etc. Just a little blue all the time. These are the two things (Tired when running and lack of emotions) that got me to the doctor. I have had trouble with my thyroid in the past and wanted it checked. The two big issues I am having, tired and depressed, are symptoms of hypothyroidism. I went in for the regular physical, told the doctor that I was feeling tired and asked him to check my thyroid. I had the full blood work done and went in yesterday to get my results and I left feeling happier than I have ever left a doctors office. My thyroid is not working. I need to take medication. Which I take as a good news /bad news type of thing. I wasn't feeling right and the reason has been found and is pretty easy to fix. I would hate to have had the doctor find nothing wrong. I would not want to keep feeling like this. Also, everything else is working perfectly. Which is something I have pretty much never heard. Awesome cholesterol, kidneys, liver, everything! Two and half years ago when I started this journey I had my blood work done and I had a lot of things that were not doing so well. So, well I am not perfectly healthy with my thyroid struggling, I am in a much better place than I was when I was 75lbs ago.
I like to reward myself for hard work and 'good behavior', therefor almost every time I am trying to lose weight I come up with rewards. I see nothing wrong with this overall but the reward I picked this time has a deadline. I hate deadlines with weight loss. The goal I set for myself is to lose 30 pounds by September 1st for the Disneyland half marathon. The reward if I do this? Staying in the Disneyland hotel, something I have wanted to do since I was a child. I think I picked a good reward for myself, the only problem is the timeline part. Already this month I have been stressed about not losing 'enough' weight. This is no good. I do not need to start feeling down about myself if I am doing everything I should and yet the weight is not falling off. Sometimes my body has other ideas about the speed of which the weight falls off. Its not a big deal if I don't get my reward but I still have it in my head that it will be awesome to have lost 30lbs by September, if I don't make it in time, will I crash and burn and gain back weight that I have lost? Hopefully not. But I need to remember this for next time (because I will am pretty sure I will always have a weight loss goal, whether it is 50lbs, 30lbs, 5lbs or just to maintain) setting a reward/goal for a certain date is not the best idea.
....that I feel like quitting the first 3 miles of EVERY run. Its true, I have to talk myself out of stopping for the first 3 miles. I probably sound like a big quitter but I really only talk myself out of finishing probably 1 out of every 50 runs. Lately I have been worried as I am running as to why its not easier. Why has it gotten harder? It might not be any harder physically but the mental part of it has gotten to be a challenge these days. Every time I run I feel like I can't finish because I am not strong enough, until I reach the magic three mile mark. I am not sure if that's the point that I am warmed up and my body is in the groove or if once my mind knows I can make it that far that I can make it a lot farther. I'm not sure which one it is, I just know that I need to remember that is gets better after 3 miles.
I started this blog for a place to express my feelings and document my weight loss, for me. The blog stopped being fun when I started caring if people were reading. If I gained 3lbs who wants to read about that? So I stopped writing. 2011 was an awesome year if I am measuring happiness outside of how many pounds I gained/lost.
I started the year by running my first half marathon and followed it with two more. I ran an overnight 200 mile relay with 11 other people and I enjoyed it so much that I ran it again a couple of weeks ago with a team of complete strangers. That was huge for me. Not only did I run the most miles I have ever run in a 24 hour period (18.2 - with about 11 of those uphill) but I did it with people that I have never met before. I am a pretty shy person and was sick to my stomach worried about how I would get along with everyone but I wanted to do something that makes me uncomfortable - pushes me to experience new things. That's me and my team below:
But with the good comes the not so good. I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight that I reached in 2010. What bugs me about that the most is how close I got to my goal and never got there. Its a lingering disappointment in myself. One that I am going to do my darnedest to change. I am starting to write here again simply to keep track of how I am doing and sort of keep tabs on myself throughout the journey. I love going back and re-reading some of my early posts to see how far I have come, it helps me when I feel like a failure. So here it is, the goals I have set for myself:
Run a half marathon at 2 hr or under: This will require I shave off 18 minutes off of my PR but I think I can do it. I signed up for the Disneyland half marathon September 1st so I have 6 months to get ready.
Lose 30lbs by the Disneyland half marathon: This timeline is simply in place because I think it will help me reach the above goal
If I don't reach these goals I am not going to let it get me down as long as I know I have given it my all to achieve them. I am done feeling like a failure, as long as I am trying my best and making good decisions every day then I am a success.
It's amazing how quickly time goes by. It's been over two months since my last post. I haven't been hiding or avoiding my blog, I've just been super busy with work. I keep meaning to write something but since I really don't have time to read other blogs I have almost forgotten altogether that I have a my own blog. But the point of this has always been so that I have something to go back and read when I am struggling to remember why I want to lose weight or how hard work pays off. I have basically been maintaining my weight since Christmas. I have stayed in the 160s fluctuating up and down, mostly because I have only been eating well during the week and then sort of chuck it all on the weekend. I would actually be pretty stoked (yes, I said stoked) if I had reached my goal weight and was maintaining but I am still 20lbs from my original goal weight and 40lbs from my 2011 goal weight. So it's time to get serious again. I need to stop dilly-dallying around and lose the rest of this weight, for myself. I am happy with my weight right now, it's so much better than 250, but there is the nagging feeling of failure in the back of my head. I set a completely reachable goal and came within 7 lbs of that goal and 4 months later I have still not reached it. It's time to kick my butt back in gear. I have stayed on track with my running and even started to train for a full marathon so mostly I just need to get through the weekend without eating an entire bag of peanut M&Ms and consuming 2 or 3 venit white mochas. It sounds easy enough....but every weekend it's a struggle, ugh.