Distorted Body Image

*Warning* this post is a little whiny and complainy and will not inspire in anyway....

I still look in the mirror and think I am fat. In fact I can't imagine that I've lost almost 100lbs - I only really see a difference in my face. This sort of depressed me for a while, in fact, it still kinda depresses me. It has taken me a while to figure out what my problem was, I mean, REALLY what is going on with me? Then it hit me. I never, and I mean never, looked in the mirror before. Well, sure I glanced in the mirror at my face before I got my day started but I never really looked too long, otherwise I would cringe - literally cringe at how big I had let my self get. Forget standing on the bathtub so I could see my whole body or standing sideways to see how big I was. I would never do that. If I had, I would have had to face reality at how bad of shape I was really in. I knew I needed to lose weight, I knew my weight was really high but the sad thing is, I mean the really sad thing, is that I told myself I didn't look too bad. That 250lbs wasn't that big. So now, when I look at myself in the mirror and I see what looks like at size 18/20 body I have to tell myself that it is because I have no idea what that size 18/20/22/24 body looked like on me. A big part of me thought that when I got to 180lbs, 170lbs, or 165lbs I would be in heaven. That would it would be hard to continue losing weight to get to a healthy BMI because I would be so happy with the way I looked. That happiness has not come yet, 152lbs and I still feel like I need to lose 50lbs to be happy with how I look. Last time I lost 80lbs and got to 170 I thought I looked awesome and I felt good. That's part of the reason the diet I was on failed. I didn't the have the huge rush to lose anymore weight. I was happy where I was. I don't understand why that didn't happen this time, but it didn't and it depresses me. The depression makes me want to give up. That's what I am working on right now. Not giving up. Not talking a day off from exercise because I am tired. Not giving up on running because I don't think I can do it anymore. I have all of these "old Amy" thoughts that go through my head for a split second.....

"you're too lazy to run"
"you're too out of shape, you are going to pass out and die"
"one day off won't hurt"
"you can't ever finish a half marathon, don't even try"

Granted, these thoughts are only in my head for a split second but the fact that they show up at all worries me. I am not going to give up and for the most part still feel awesome about how far I have come with my energy levels and health. I just need my brain to catch up to my body. My body feels better but my brain can't give up on the expectations of what was supposed to happen when I lost a ton of weight. Overall it is what is best for me and my daughter but when people say that losing weight won't instantly make you happy, its true. Relationships change. You find some people seeming to want to sabotage your efforts, for whatever reason. Its not all sunshine and roses. I never would believe that until I got here.

But believe me, even though this post is 95% depressing, overall my life is only about 5% depression. It really is 100 times better than it used to be. I just need a place to unload these feelings, no one really likes to hear about this, and probably no one really wants to read about it, but I wanted to get if off my chest so I can move on.