Whenever I start to lose my motivation....

my husband reminds me that I am still not quite at my goal. I do not have the most supportive other half. He doesn't come right out and tell me that he still finds me unattractive, but he might as well with his actions. This is as honest as it gets with my blog. My husband thinks I am too fat and instead of leaving him (because that would seem like a petty reason) I am trying my darnedest to not lose my motivation and lose more weight. Not really for him exactly, but more because he reminds me of every stare, insult, passing joke, that was every made when I was 80lbs heavier. He is a weekly (not daily, because he works out of town Monday-Friday) that I am not good enough. I want to get to the point where I can look at those people who still feel the need to call me fat and be so confident in myself that I feel sorry for them, that they feel the need to try and make me feel worse about myself to make them feel better about themselves. I am almost there....Almost but not quite. I know (based on actions that I will not share here) that my husband is not happy with how I look and while it makes me sad, I also almost (ALMOST) know that it is more his problem than mine. I am almost to the point when I feel good enough about myself that I don't care. It is his problem. Its not my fault he married someone that he isn't attracted to, he never came out and shared that before we were married. If he ever wants to be happy with me he is going to have to get passed it and if not, that's his problem. Sorta....

I know I should be able to be happy with myself without losing more weight, but I can't get there without
therapy and losing weight is the cheaper more practical option.

I know losing weight doesn't make problems go away and everything bright and shinny, but it couldn't hurt.

Not lost...

Just super busy with work and since I spend all day on the computer at work I hardly ever use the computer once I am off for the day...work has been getting in the way of blogging time :)

Anyway, quick update. I have done pretty good this week. I went off track a little yesterday and ate and ate and ate way more than I should have but I recognized it and got on track at dinnertime and have been on track all day today. Mostly the reason I decided to post was to share how even though I have been feeling down about myself lately I felt pretty awesome just now, dancing with my 2 year old. She is the reason I started this journey and it has paid off. For the last 20 minutes we have been dancing away to the black eyed peas and it was fun, jump around the room, shake your booty, kind of dancing. It was awesome - I had a ton of energy, even after having run 5 miles only a couple hours earlier. I felt happy, happy that I have lost 80ish lbs, that I can dance and play with my daughter without feeling exhausted. This is so worth it.


Check in...

Calories yesterday: 2102 (yikes!)
Calories so far today: 849

Exercise yesterday: 20 minute bike ride & 4 mile run (9:30 minute miles)

Current weight: 163
Lbs to goal: 38

Have a good weekend!

500 Miles!

I just finished updating my runs for the past week in daily mile and realized when I was done that I have run over 500 miles (501 to be exact) and I was super excited because that's a ton of running I have done since June 2010 but more importantly its almost time to get new running shoes :) So, even though it feels like I am failing in all other areas of my life right now, at least I have succeeded with running.

Last week I was on vacation (Disneyland, again) and I think I have a little bit of the post vacation blues. It always a little sad for me to go back to work and it only makes it worse to weigh myself and see that I have gained 8lbs since before I left. Yup, 8lbs! I was actually quite shocked. I didn't eat very healthy but I also didn't go all crazy with the food. Every other day while we were there I got up and ran in the morning in addition to the, at least, 10 miles of walking I did at the parks. So, I pretty much figured it would even out and when I saw how wrong I was about that it really depressed me. I know alot of it is water weight (I was down 4lbs this morning) but it is still really hard to feel good about myself. I have basically been unable to get back down to my pre-holiday weight and it stinks. I think the worst thing about it, is not that I feel that I look horrible or anything, but I feel like such a massive failure. This makes me want to eat. This makes being back on track harder. It makes me want to give up and through in the towel. I know that a big part of this is just all the icky food in my system, it doesn't help my mood. So yeah, if you're looking for inspiration....you are gonna have to keep looking.


Check in for today...

Calories Yesterday: 1688
Calories so far today: 647

Exercise Yesterday: 4 mile run @ 10:30 minute mile

Current Weight: 165
Lbs to goal: 40lbs

Very Short, Quick, Update

I am doing good - SUPER busy with work, mostly because I am on vacation for the next three days!! YAY! I ran a 10k on Saturday and beat my previous time by about 7 minutes, averaged a 9:15 minute mile....it felt awesome! Eating habits have not been stellar but whats new? Mostly I just wanted to say - I am off on vacation and will be back ready to go full swing into healthy living - with a huge reason to motivate me to stick with it (more on that when I get back). Have a fabulous week :)