Away but not hiding....

It's amazing how quickly time goes by. It's been over two months since my last post. I haven't been hiding or avoiding my blog, I've just been super busy with work. I keep meaning to write something but since I really don't have time to read other blogs I have almost forgotten altogether that I have a my own blog. But the point of this has always been so that I have something to go back and read when I am struggling to remember why I want to lose weight or how hard work pays off. I have basically been maintaining my weight since Christmas. I have stayed in the 160s fluctuating up and down, mostly because I have only been eating well during the week and then sort of chuck it all on the weekend. I would actually be pretty stoked (yes, I said stoked) if I had reached my goal weight and was maintaining but I am still 20lbs from my original goal weight and 40lbs from my 2011 goal weight. So it's time to get serious again. I need to stop dilly-dallying around and lose the rest of this weight, for myself. I am happy with my weight right now, it's so much better than 250, but there is the nagging feeling of failure in the back of my head. I set a completely reachable goal and came within 7 lbs of that goal and 4 months later I have still not reached it. It's time to kick my butt back in gear. I have stayed on track with my running and even started to train for a full marathon so mostly I just need to get through the weekend without eating an entire bag of peanut M&Ms and consuming 2 or 3 venit white mochas. It sounds easy enough....but every weekend it's a struggle, ugh.

Whenever I start to lose my motivation....

my husband reminds me that I am still not quite at my goal. I do not have the most supportive other half. He doesn't come right out and tell me that he still finds me unattractive, but he might as well with his actions. This is as honest as it gets with my blog. My husband thinks I am too fat and instead of leaving him (because that would seem like a petty reason) I am trying my darnedest to not lose my motivation and lose more weight. Not really for him exactly, but more because he reminds me of every stare, insult, passing joke, that was every made when I was 80lbs heavier. He is a weekly (not daily, because he works out of town Monday-Friday) that I am not good enough. I want to get to the point where I can look at those people who still feel the need to call me fat and be so confident in myself that I feel sorry for them, that they feel the need to try and make me feel worse about myself to make them feel better about themselves. I am almost there....Almost but not quite. I know (based on actions that I will not share here) that my husband is not happy with how I look and while it makes me sad, I also almost (ALMOST) know that it is more his problem than mine. I am almost to the point when I feel good enough about myself that I don't care. It is his problem. Its not my fault he married someone that he isn't attracted to, he never came out and shared that before we were married. If he ever wants to be happy with me he is going to have to get passed it and if not, that's his problem. Sorta....

I know I should be able to be happy with myself without losing more weight, but I can't get there without
therapy and losing weight is the cheaper more practical option.

I know losing weight doesn't make problems go away and everything bright and shinny, but it couldn't hurt.

Not lost...

Just super busy with work and since I spend all day on the computer at work I hardly ever use the computer once I am off for the day...work has been getting in the way of blogging time :)

Anyway, quick update. I have done pretty good this week. I went off track a little yesterday and ate and ate and ate way more than I should have but I recognized it and got on track at dinnertime and have been on track all day today. Mostly the reason I decided to post was to share how even though I have been feeling down about myself lately I felt pretty awesome just now, dancing with my 2 year old. She is the reason I started this journey and it has paid off. For the last 20 minutes we have been dancing away to the black eyed peas and it was fun, jump around the room, shake your booty, kind of dancing. It was awesome - I had a ton of energy, even after having run 5 miles only a couple hours earlier. I felt happy, happy that I have lost 80ish lbs, that I can dance and play with my daughter without feeling exhausted. This is so worth it.


Check in...

Calories yesterday: 2102 (yikes!)
Calories so far today: 849

Exercise yesterday: 20 minute bike ride & 4 mile run (9:30 minute miles)

Current weight: 163
Lbs to goal: 38

Have a good weekend!

500 Miles!

I just finished updating my runs for the past week in daily mile and realized when I was done that I have run over 500 miles (501 to be exact) and I was super excited because that's a ton of running I have done since June 2010 but more importantly its almost time to get new running shoes :) So, even though it feels like I am failing in all other areas of my life right now, at least I have succeeded with running.

Last week I was on vacation (Disneyland, again) and I think I have a little bit of the post vacation blues. It always a little sad for me to go back to work and it only makes it worse to weigh myself and see that I have gained 8lbs since before I left. Yup, 8lbs! I was actually quite shocked. I didn't eat very healthy but I also didn't go all crazy with the food. Every other day while we were there I got up and ran in the morning in addition to the, at least, 10 miles of walking I did at the parks. So, I pretty much figured it would even out and when I saw how wrong I was about that it really depressed me. I know alot of it is water weight (I was down 4lbs this morning) but it is still really hard to feel good about myself. I have basically been unable to get back down to my pre-holiday weight and it stinks. I think the worst thing about it, is not that I feel that I look horrible or anything, but I feel like such a massive failure. This makes me want to eat. This makes being back on track harder. It makes me want to give up and through in the towel. I know that a big part of this is just all the icky food in my system, it doesn't help my mood. So yeah, if you're looking for inspiration....you are gonna have to keep looking.


Check in for today...

Calories Yesterday: 1688
Calories so far today: 647

Exercise Yesterday: 4 mile run @ 10:30 minute mile

Current Weight: 165
Lbs to goal: 40lbs

Very Short, Quick, Update

I am doing good - SUPER busy with work, mostly because I am on vacation for the next three days!! YAY! I ran a 10k on Saturday and beat my previous time by about 7 minutes, averaged a 9:15 minute mile....it felt awesome! Eating habits have not been stellar but whats new? Mostly I just wanted to say - I am off on vacation and will be back ready to go full swing into healthy living - with a huge reason to motivate me to stick with it (more on that when I get back). Have a fabulous week :)

A little, tad bit, frumpy today

Holy Moly I am Sore today... Not all over but I can definitely tell the areas that I clearly never use because they are SORE. So even though it is not the most enjoyable workout I think I need to keep doing it on my off running days to build up those sore muscles. So overall I am a fan of the Biggest Loser Cardio Max and I think I might even branch out into the other biggest loser workout DVDs - $5 at target cannot be beat and I really enjoy working out with regular people on the video and not super skinny, never sweat, people on most videos.

Other than working out, things are blah today. Sparkpeople is not working from my computer - I'm not sure if the company I work for added it to the blocked sites (doubtful since I am currently typing this post on my work computer) or if the site is down. Which isn't horrible that I can't enter my calories but its still bugging me. I also am having the horrible nauseous feeling you get when you are pregnant - you know if you've been pregnant - where the idea of almost all foods except for junk makes you a little sick and even a lot of junk foods still make you feel sick. I blame my Birth Control for this - I missed a day so I doubled up today which means hormones galore in my body right now. Fun Times. Is this something you wanted to read about? I bet not. I'm in a bit of a crappy mood. I'm not grumpy, just icky feeling. Anywoo...I should probably stop typing before I decide to share something else no cares anything about.

Calories Consumed yesterday: 1771 (I think...I know it was 1700+, but with sparkpeople down I am not sure of the exact number)
Calories cosumed today: 1200 (this is a complete guess since I haven't entered my food in)

Exercise Yesterday: Biggest Loser DVD - 1 1/2 times (long story) for a total of 70min

Current Weight: 161.5 (blah)
Lbs to goal: 36.5 (duh)

Time to get back to work. Only one more work day this week....one more day, one more day, one more day (chant it with me....)

Branching out

I am doing good today. I branched out and tried the following for my workout today:

I can't run everyday (or I guess I could but I am afraid of not letting my running muscles rest enough and getting injured) and my stationary bike broke last week...So I broke out the biggest loser cardio max that I purchased at least 10 months ago but never used (seriously, the wrapped was still on the darn thing). Anyway, it was different - I definitely did things I never really and it was nice that the people on the workout video were former biggest loser contestants but I really missed listening to my own music or watching season 2 of 24 on netflix. I think I will know more how well the DVD worked me out tomorrow if anything is sore :)

Moving on...

My eating yesterday left much to be desired. I didn't really eat anything I consider 'off limits' but I ate way too much of the food that I usually eat and stopped entering the food in my food dairy - which is always a bad sign. I thought this trend might continue but so far today I am on track. Work has been very stressful (half my dept was laid off last Friday) and I have tried to cheer myself up by eating - not the best solution but I think I am starting to get past it and not let me it get me down or maybe I am getting better at dealing with my stress (doubtful).  Anyhoo....check in for today:

Calories consumed yesterday: ? An educated guess would be about 2100...but that is not definite.
Calories so far today: 1177 (that's everything except dinner)

Exercise yesterday: 6 mile run

Current weight: 161.5 (sigh..literally)
Lbs to goal: 36.5

One Step Foward....two steps back

So far I have not made it through the weekend without "taking it off" from my diet - basically eating whatever I want. So I spend every week losing weight and then gaining it over the weekend, losing it during the week and gaining it over the weekend. So the good news is, I pretty much know how to maintain....the bad news is that I am about 35lbs away from the weight I want to maintain. I can't seem to get the motivation back, I've lost my mojo. At least I haven't lost my motivation completely, if the weekend behavior spills into the week then I know I am in trouble.

Other than eating, things are going good. The Ragnar relay is a month away and I am starting to get excited instead of freaked out, which is nice :)  I am running a 10k this weekend and I have gotten to the point where I am no longer nervous about the race itself because I am confident that I will have fun. It took me awhile, but I finally have gotten to the point where I love running. I started running 10 months ago but only recently have I actually enjoyed running. Before I loved that I was burning calories or that I was doing something I never thought I would be able to do physically but now I actually love running....well, love may be too strong of a word because I definitely still dread running up until I am about 1 mile in - so I love running, once I am in it. So while I may not be losing a ton of weight (or any...) I am feeling pretty good these days.


Stats today:

Current Weight: 161.5 (hmm...sounds very familiar)
Lbs to goal: 36.5

Calories consumed yesterday: ?? I didn't track
Calories so far today: 329 (that's just breakfast - 2 small oranges, 1 egg, 1 piece spelt bread, and a dab of butter)

Exercise yesterday: 3 mile run at 9:25 pace (I'm shooting to be at 9:30 minutes in time for the Ragnar)

Check In :)

I finished the half marathon on Sunday and I will dedicate an entire post to it once I get some pictures...so for now I will just say it was awesome :)

As a result of running through 3 cities on Sunday I pretty much exceeded my calorie limit for the weekend in one day (although the night before the race I also exceeded my calories for the day because I knew I was running in the morning...slippery slope). Anyway, I gained weight. Apparently you can't burn 2000 calories running and expect to not gain weight if you eat 6,000 calories that day (I really have no idea how much I ate, except that I was pretty much starving the rest of race day). So this morning I am back up to 161.5. I am quite the roller coaster of up and downs this month. This weekend though, I should be able to stay on track, no excuses. I am not running a half marathon, celebrating anyone's birthday, or going on vacation. No excuses!! I need to stop going up and down, up and down...it can't be good for my body. At the very least I want to get back in the 155 range and go up and down from there. Weight gain has not gotten me down though, I still am feeling pretty good. Every time the thought goes in my head that I am failing at this weight loss thing, I have to remind myself that I have lost 90lbs in the past year and even if I am not eating so well on the weekends, I am pretty consistant at eating good during the week, so that's better than nothing. I am not perfect and this is definitely a process, but I will figure it out what works for me. So my check in for today....

Calories yesterday: I didn't keep track...
Calories so far today: 287

Exercise Yesterday: 35 minutes on the stationary bike

Current Weight: 161.5
Lbs to Goal: 36.5


I am embarrassed that I was too lazy yesterday to enter my food. I ate pretty good, but just never got around to entering it in sparkpeople. I need to keep up with this blog, even on weekends, because it really does help me stay accountable and think twice before I eat something.

3 days and feeling good

My anxiety about the race is slowly changing into excitement, I work up this morning totally jazzed about running a half marathon. I have been getting down about myself lately. I am always thinking that I could be doing better and, of course, I could be. Unless I all of a sudden become perfect there is always room for improvement, but as long as I am trying to do better then I am on the right track. This time last year I as I was just discovering weight loss blogs I remember thinking maybe one day I would try to run/walk a 5k but that running 13.1 miles was insane and I would never being able to run that far, nor would I even want to try....it just seemed to far out there. Its thoughts like this that I need to keep reminding myself about, because there are times when I feel like a teeny bit of a failure for not doing more, like running the marathon. For example, this conversation has happened with many people:

Them: "you're running the Rock N Roll marathon?"
Me: "No, just the Half - Marathon"
Them: "wow, that's awesome"
Me: "Yeah, but its just the half"

Arrgg...Just typing that makes me annoyed at myself. It must be sooo annoying to talk to me because I am such a downer. Why not just say - "yeah, I am running the half marathon and I am so excited!!" Instead I am such a negative nelly. Anyway, my point is - I need to recognize how far I've come and what an accomplishment this is for me. I write about this a lot on this blog - recognizing the accomplishments I've made and it isn't fishing for compliments or praise, I really, truly, tend to feel like everything I do isn't good enough and its time to figure how to move past that and be happy for me. Anyway...check in for today:


Calories Consumed yesterday: 1559
Calories Consumed so far today: 1,044 (a little high, but all I have left today is dinner)

Exercise Yesterday: Stationary Bike for 50 minutes and 4 mile outdoor bike ride with Olivia

Current Weight: 157.5
Lbs to Goal: 32.5

This check in thing is actually really helping me...if I haven't entered my food in my food diary by the time I post my blog and go and enter it and it helps keep my dinner calorie in check so I don't get too off track for the day!

4 days....

Till the half marathon. As I was riding my bike today and it was kicking my butt, I had to keep reminding myself that biking muscles are different than running ones, right? My nerves are actually slightly less than they were a week ago. I downloaded some new songs for my iPod just to keep me going during the race - even though it's a rock and rock marathon and there are bands every half mile I think I just might need some loud music in my ears to keep me going, maybe not, but I want to be prepared either way. I got a new running outfit to get me even more excited to run the 13.1 miles. So shopping wise I am ready :) I still need to figure out if I am going to eat before or if I am going the GU route (ewwww...). I don't really want to stop at the many port a pottys that are supposed to be set up along the course and I thinking GU instead of actual food might be my best bet. Seriously something I have never thought about too much before is how much needing a bathroom while running would occupy my thoughts and is really what makes me the most worried about running races - TMI? Probably
. Sorry :) anyway, on to my check in for today....

Calories consumed yesterday: 1648
Calories consumed so far today: 998

Exercise yesterday: 3 mile run

Current weight: 160
Lbs to goal: 35

What next?

5 days until the half marathon and 44 days until the Ragnar and I am already panicing on picking something next to motivate me to keep running. I have a very big fear that if I don't have a reason to keep going, a training schedule to follow, that I will just stop running. I'm sure it wouldn't happen overnight, but the motivation to run would slowly disappear and that freaks me out. I need to keep this up, I really do feel physically and mentally better with regular running and I don't want that to go away. So, I need to plan my next step and I have no idea what I should do. I better hurry up and figure it out though because 46 days from now I need to wake up with a new race, event, etc that will keep me active.

My  check in for today...

Calories Yesterday: 1726
Calories so far today: 1234 (yikes!! it looks like chicken and veggies for dinner)

Exercise yesterday: 1 hour Just Dance 2 (Soo fun!)

Current weight: 161.5
Lbs to goal: 36.5

This check in thing really isn't working so far....I am embarrassed at how many calories I consumed already today, so maybe being embarrassed about putting it on my blog today will help me not eat so much tomorrow.

Half marathon countdown

6 days...I have 6 more days to get myself more and more nervous to run a distance that I could barely have biked a year ago. To say that I am starting to get nervous would be an understatement. I am spending all my free time reading and rereading the instructions to make sure that I really know what I am supposed to do the day of the race. I have asked my husband a bazillion times if he will go with me, to make sure he hasn't changed his mind because the idea of racing alone is scary enough, not having someone at the end of the race would be sad. I don't step out of my comfort zone very often and doing it completely alone is something I will have to work up to. I feel pretty ready for the race itself - I ran my longest distance ever 12 miles on Saturday. On a treadmill. Which is harder than outside runing for me, I think because I am constantly checking the time and how much I have left to run...it really makes the process drag on. Anyway, I am mostly nervous about being with a bunch of "real" runners and looking completely out of place, which is basically my same fear at every race so far. And really, I know some people will do that, but I just need to not care so much what other people think of me (at my last 10k I heard one group critizing what people were wearing and another group laugh at how hard one lady was breathing while running...I'm not sure why people feel the Need to judge other people).

Outside of half marathon stuff, my eating was pretty bad on saturday and Sunday but I am back on track today. For some reason I use running 12 miles as a reason I can eat more junk-not the best healthy choice for sure.

Current weight: 162.5
Lbs left to goal: 37.5 (jeez)

Calories yesterday: too many to count....
Calories so far today: 889 (breakfast and lunch)

Exercise: 2.5 mile run (rest week)

Day 365 - Thank you bloggers

Its been one year today since I started on this journey to lose weight. I really wish I had started a blog on the first day of this journey, but I didn't even know such thing exisited. I have to say I am very happy to have found this community. Reading about other peoples success, struggles, and experiences that were so similar to my own helped me to continue on. I am not sure how I felt a year ago when I first started but I am almost 100% sure that I didn't really believe I could succeed. I never really had in the past. So to be sitting here 89lbs lighter is amazing. I really think one of the main differences in this diet was all the blogs I read. It would have never occured to me to even start running if I hadn't been reading Body by Pizzas experience with it. I would have never thought that people struggled with emotional attachments to food the same way I do if Lyn hadn't shared her feelings so well on her blog Escape from Obesity. I read pastaqueens blog all the way back to the begining and reading about her struggles helped me not feel so alone in mine. So, I want to thank all the wieght loss bloggers who have shared their journeys along the way.

I am on day 3 of being back on track and I am finally starting to feel better about myself. I think the sugar really does create a little bit of depression in me when I have too much. I think its finally clearing out of my system and I a feeling a little better. Not as good as I felt before but at least on the road there.

Current Weight: 162
Previous Weight: 164.5
Lbs to goal: 37

Exercise: 4.5 Miles at 5.5speed on the treadmill

Calories consumption yesterday: 1617 (exactly the same as the day before...weird)
Calories so far today: 955 (Includes Breakfast, snack, and lunch)

Day 364 and Mind Games

I have been feeling the need to clean lately. I feel like my house is a disaster and I am constantly picking up toys, clothes, etc. Sweeping, wiping counters, organizing and it makes me feel better when I am done. Putting away the Christmas stuff has never felt so good. Getting this back to normal feels good. This morning as I was walking out of my room I looked around for something to pick up, to make it cleaner. There was nothing and I was disappointed. I wanted to clean something. This made me stop and think to myself that all this straightening up and fixing up the house is simply my outlet for the fact that I cannot simply fix up myself. I want the weight I gained over the holidays to be gone now. I want to be able to feel good about myself again. I gained a bunch of weight - 15lbs - but its not as much as my head seems to think I gained. I feel 200+ lbs again. I am afraid to put on clothes that I have been wearing for the past 6 months for fear that they won't fit. I look in the mirror and see double chins, rounder face, thicker thighs, and an enormous stomach. All of this is true to an extent. I mean I gained 15lbs, but not to the extent that I am letting myself feel. Its a tricky thing. I feel like giving up because I think to myself that I can't possibly feel better anytime soon, but that's just not true. I did not gain 50lbs and even if I had, just continuing to gain is not going to help me feel better anytime soon. Two months ago when I was in the 160s I felt awesome about myself - so I can't let myself feel like the biggest failure ever and give up. I know that week 1 back on a diet is the hardest for me and I need to just keep plugging along, recognizing the mind games I am playing with myself to encourage giving up, and just make it through.


And to keep myself accountable....


Current Weight: 164.5
Previous Weight: 167.5
Lbs to left to lose: 39.5

Calorie Consumption yesterday: 1,617 (higher than I wanted since I skipped exercising)
Exercise: None (My daughter is pretty sick & its to cold to run with her outside while she is sick...excuses, excuses)
Calorie Consumption so far today: 309

Back to Life...Back to reality

***Warning this post was written in a hurry, so it might not make complete sense...you've been warned :)

So I went slightly off track the last 3 weeks. Things in my life got stressful and I dealt with it as any unhealthy person would, by eating. And eating, and eating. I would like to point the finger at the holidays and the holidays alone for my reason in overindulging and it started out that way...but ended with the unhealthy attachment to food way. And by ended, I mean I stopped this morning. I am back on what feels like day 1 of a long journey. Its not as long of a journey as I was facing this time last year but it feels the same. I need to get back on track, I need to focus. Its time to get serious about life. Not just losing weight but making myself a better person overall. Being able with who I am and the role I am playing in this word. Just coasting along in life is not going to do it anymore. I am going to make the most of life as I can.

So, in order to help myself with my journey forward, I need to be honest with everyone about how far backward I slid the last 3 weeks. There is a big part of me that wants to just hold off on sharing just how much weight I gained and to be open about it in a couple of weeks when I have lost the first 5lbs so it doesn't look as bad, but that doesn't help me. I need to be embarrassed at how bad it got and face it head on. My problem in the past was when I felt my weight got too out of control I would stick my head in the sand and not want to face it. That tendency is VERY strong right now. Very strong. So I will be updating this blog at least every other day with my general calorie count for the day and my weight. I know if I am being honest about my weight and what I am eating then It will help me stick to it. So, here it goes....


Day 363 (I started this journey January 5th 2010...so that would make today day 363, right?)

Current Weight: 167.5lbs (yes, I gained 15lbs in 3 weeks - EEKKK!!!)
Goal Weight: 125lbs (yes, its changed....)

Calories Consumed so far... 289 (apple and a spelt zucchini muffin)

I am not really giving myself a deadline on when to reach my goal weight. My first thought it by the end of the year but I have never, ever weighed under 150, for all I know it will take months to lose the last 10lbs because my body will never want to let them go.

Anyway, that's it for now. I will check in with myself again tomorrow.