Randomness

I am sleepy all the time, not really tired, but sleepy. I still have the energy to exercise and I am even pushing myself more than ever but my regular bedtime is early and I feel like taking naps most of the day. I am not sure what causes this. Sitting in front of a computer all day doing the same thing over and over? Still being 44 pounds overweight? Hormones? Who knows. The point is, hmm....no real point I guess I just wanted to share.
In more exciting news, I met the challenge presented by Katy last week to make it into the next "tens" I weighed in this morning at 189.5, which is only a loss of 2.5lbs but I am stoked!! (yes, I uses the word stoked). I have set a goal for myself to lose 10lbs a month and even though this isn't enough it puts me at 9.5lbs, which I will take :) It feels so good to be losing weight and feeling better overall (except for the sleepiness). I can see the lowest weight I have ever been is within reach and that is a weight I only saw briefly while doing the master cleanse so that is awesome. Yay for healthy lifestyle!!

Glass half Empty

Ragnar training day 3 complete! I am feeling pretty good about sticking with it this week but at the same time I am totally freaked out about the training a couple of weeks from now (30 minutes on a hill anyone?). That's so my personality, I have a hard time living in the moment and being present. I am always looking forward at something that makes me stressed/sad/upset. I am a glass half-empty kinda person and it annoys me. Why can't I be happy that I have made it this far with my running? Why am I already thinking to myself that even though I made it this far to not get to happy because I will never be able to do all the running that is required? It BUGS me, I BUG me, Yup, I do.

Anyway, My head is a little all over the place today because of a ton of work stress. Things are being "re-worked" and I may not have a job or if I have a job it may not (probably not) work out as well as the position I have now. I currently work full time but my job is basically to track projects and budgets in Microsoft project all day (minimal human contact), which works out really well because most days I can work with my daughter at home with me. I can work the hours I need to and don't have to worry about leaving her at daycare (which I can't afford), so the fact that my perfect situation may be coming to an end has my brain all be-jumbled. Serious stress. But the good news is, I haven't tried to ease the stress with food, or more specifically, chocolate. So there is a little something positive about this but mostly my mind is constantly on the negative. Sigh.

Banana Bread or Salt?

So as of this morning, I have gained 2lbs. There are two reasons that could be blamed for this jump. One: I went to a alternative medicine doctor on Monday who told me my body is not hydrating even though I drink 4 (yes 4!) liters of water every day. Therefore I am now taking a salt supplement, not just regular salt, but celtic sea salt. Anyway, so my weight gain this morning could easily be my body retaining water from the salt buuuutttt, it could also be the fact that I that I bought too many bananas when I went to the store. Bananas have been a favorite around here with me and my daughter. I usually make her a smoothie in the morning using a banana, I'll eat one with my breakfast, and then we usually share one as a snack in the afternoon. That's three bananas a day so last time at the store I bought a ton. Of course that was about the time that my daughter was over them and I discovered steel cut oats for breakfast. Needless to say I had a bunch of bananas that were very ripe. (are you bored yet?) so I decided to make banana bread, for my daughter, not me. But who can resist taking a bit (or two, or three, or ten) after smelling it baking and slicing it for my daughter? I used healthier ingredients (Spelt flour, sucanat sugar) but that doesn't really lower the calorie count much. So I went over my normal calorie intake by 300 calories. In the end it was probably the salt added in my diet but the indulgence in banana bread probably didn't help matters. I am not getting off to a good start in making it to the 180's for week 4. I really need to kick it up a notch for the rest of the week.

Reason to Succeed

When all is said and done for this past week, I only lost 1 pound. Sigh. At least its a loss but no one in the biggest loser competition has anything to worry about from me.

In other news....I read something today that stated that no one ever loses weight for their daughter, its always about men. Catching a man, keeping a man, leaving a man and finding a new one, etc. I have to say that this is absolutely 100% false with me. My reason for losing weight is to be healthy and my #1 reason for being healthy is:

how can I not want to be around and active for her? I love her more than life and right now I am her world. I would gladly give up ice cream to make sure that I can be around for her. No, not just be around, but be able to run through the sprinklers with her or dance around the room with her or take walks with her. I do this for her, I will succeed for her.

Clear sign of insanity

My sisters are both planning in participating in a Ragnar relay next winter and have now gotten me to commit to participating with them, because clearly, I have gone insane. For those of you who don't know (like me a week ago) what a Ragnar relay is you can check it out here. It is basically running 202 miles through the mountains to the desert with a team of 12. So, its a relay, that takes like a couple of days to run. Somehow I am supposed to be able to run around 18 miles, in shifts, with no sleep, in about 9 months??? Something is wrong with me. The high from running a measly 3 miles went to my head and I thought for a moment I can do anything. The thing is, its a team event, so I can't quit, I can't go snail slow, and I can't give up and die. Pressure, intense pressure. We shall see if this actually happens because we still need one more person to commit, but I am already scared out of my mind.

5k

I ran a 5k!! Note: I didn't run a 5k race just the 5k distance but I was soo happy!!

The picture is at the end of my run, so it includes a 5 minute cool down - I cannot imagine being able to run for 42min straight (although if I am progressing I will have to soon!) The number in the middle is the distance and the number next to it is the calories...the 0.0 is the speed.

I set goals on Tuesday on what I would do to get back on track and I followed each and every one. Its nice so know that if I set my mind to it I can get back on track.  I have been eating better and therefore feeling better.

I have given myself a new challenge for tomorrow:

• 
  
  Run outside for at least 35 minutes, take away the crutch of the treadmill.

Running on treadmill is easier than outside for me, something about the moving belt propels me forward and makes it easier for me to keep going. I am not giving myself a distance to run outside, I just want to be able to run for the same amount of time I do on the treadmill.

Hopefully I can keep up the momentum, I feel good.

Back on track

I have been getting lax in my dieting. I stopped entering my food into sparkpeople, I stopped exercising on the weekends, and basically gave myself a lot of passes on the weekend to eat crappier than I should. This stops today, TODAY. I am no where near my goal weight. Sure, I am a lot closer than I was 6 months ago, but that does not mean that I don't have to put in the effort anymore. This happens to me a lot. I get to a place where I feel more comfortable, maybe even attractive, and I start to lose motivation. So starting today I am getting back on track, which includes:

• Entering everything I put into my mouth in sparkpeople
• Stick to my 10k training schedule, which means running 3 miles today.
• Measure everything I eat. No more eye-balling serving sizes
• Stay 100% on plan on the weekends. Stop thinking the weekend means I can have more calories

These are my goals for this week. Hopefully I will be able to stick with it - there is money at stake! I want to win the biggest loser competition (or at least be at the top one week...) but really I just want to know that I can stick with it and reach my goal. Nothing would feel better than knowing that I am strong enough to finish what I started, right? Right.

Ugh.

I do not run the 5k yesterday. I am not as motivated to run. I am starting to see a pattern here...

Hopefully I can kick my butt back into gear because I am not feelin' it lately.

Thats all I have to say for now.

Visual Aid

Does anybody else need visual reminders of why you are working towards a goal? I put this up in my room:

This is my goal weight/size dress. I bought it last January hoping to be able to fit into it by New Years Eve 2010 and if so, my husband and I could go out and celebrate. Yes, I hung this up on the wall in our room and I am sure that people who come to our house think me a little ridiculous but I don't care, I want to see what I am working towards.

Sometimes when I am working out, I pull out my phone and look at the picture. I think how much fun it would be to slip it on and feel beautiful. Don't get me wrong, my goal through this is not just to look beautiful. In fact, that is probably only 10% of my motivation. I would love to be healthy. I would love to get pregnant a second time and not worry about how being overweight might be affecting the baby and labor/delivery. But I can't hang that on the wall. I can't think of a visual aid for the healthy part of my goal. So there is this dress and I love it. It represents health and beauty. It represents future me and I love it. 

Struggling

I feel like I am approaching the Burn Out point. I am tired of dieting (or lifestyle changing, whatever), I am tired of always thinking about what I can eat, how much exercise I need to do, etc. I like losing weight but it is a lot more effort than gaining weight (duh).

How do I get my motivation back? How do I get excited again? I live in phoenix and so summer is like everyone Else's winter, going outside for exercise or even for just fresh air is not really an option. Its too Hot and miserable. How do people stay motivated when stuck inside all day???

I don't really have much to say in this post, I just really wanted to complain. I think it helped, I already feel a tiny bit better :-)


**UPDATE**
After writing this post and debating in my head for a while, I finally got up and did a 2.5 mile run!! I feel so great having finished it this time :)

Running

In case anyone is wondering....I did not go to the 5k I signed up for, I tried to run one that morning with my daughter (in my new jogging stroller) and I didn't make it. I am thinking of doing one that is coming up this Sunday that is a little closer to home, but the bottom line is, I don't feel ready to run in front of other people. I breathe horribly, I don't have the best "form" and I don't have the right clothes. All lame reasons I know. I shouldn't care so much what people think, but I am worried all the real runners will think I stupid for trying to run like they do. I have issues, I am aware, and I am not sure how to get past them.

In other running news, I just finished a two mile run and instead of feeling great that I did something, I feel like a failure for not running the 2.5 miles I set out to run. I got a Horrible cramp in my side and I just couldn't keep going. Now instead of feeling good that I at least ran 2 miles, I feel like a failure. It bugs me. 3 months ago and I would have been Super excited that I could even run 22 minutes straight. I need to remind myself how far I've come. Its hard. Changing patterns of putting myself down is hard.

5k or no 5k, That is the question....

I am talking myself out of running the 5k I signed up for this weekend for the following reasons:

• I still haven't actually run a 5k, during the C25k I completed the minutes required, but never made it up to 3 miles. I know I can do it but am ashamed to admit, I never want to run that much.
• Its supposed to be 104 degrees on Saturday. SERIOUSLY?? Who is expected to run in that heat?
• I signed up for a 5k that is run at night, so it starts at 6:30pm and its over a hour away, I might be getting old but that sounds like a late night with my 1 year old.

I try to talk myself out of exercise all the time so this isn't really any different and 9 times out of 10 I end doing it, so we'll see. I am honestly not sure at this point, Oh wells.

Can I be honest for a minute?

I do not have a supportive husband. No, I do not mean that I have a husband that "loves me no matter what I look like" so he eats crap in front of me and encourages me to join in. I would LOVE one of those, but alas, I got the husband that eats junk in front of me and if I so much as suggest that I should eat that too he immediately corrects me that its not part of my diet and I don't want to ruin my progress, right? This would be fine, if I were a child and needed to be reminded of consequences to my actions. Nope, not a child - no stern food reminders needed. When I am not dieting there is this constant pressure from him to go on a diet, there is a significant lack of, um, affection, and there is a sense of embarrassment from him that he is with me. This would be mildly acceptable to me if I had gained a ton of weight after we got married but, in fact, this was me then, now, and will always be there in some way. He has said some cruel things to me about my weight and seems to think that I should be grateful he wants to be with me. I'm Not. Its hard being with someone when you feel it is conditional. I will love if you keep the house clean, I will love you if you wear makeup everyday, I will love you when you lose weight and keep it off. Some people might wonder why I married him and the truth is, he basically hid this from me until the night we got married, I mean it was like a switch was flipped when he said I DO. I read other people's weight loss blog and 99% of them are with someone who loves them for who they are and I realize now not all men would try to make me feel bad for not being better. I am not sure why I am sharing this, except that I need to get it off my chest. The more weight I lose, the better out marriage gets but I feel I have to remind myself of the reason things are better. Is it ok that we are happy as long as I have lost weight? Is that a good marriage?