Ugh.

I do not run the 5k yesterday. I am not as motivated to run. I am starting to see a pattern here...

Hopefully I can kick my butt back into gear because I am not feelin' it lately.

Thats all I have to say for now.

Visual Aid

Does anybody else need visual reminders of why you are working towards a goal? I put this up in my room:

This is my goal weight/size dress. I bought it last January hoping to be able to fit into it by New Years Eve 2010 and if so, my husband and I could go out and celebrate. Yes, I hung this up on the wall in our room and I am sure that people who come to our house think me a little ridiculous but I don't care, I want to see what I am working towards.

Sometimes when I am working out, I pull out my phone and look at the picture. I think how much fun it would be to slip it on and feel beautiful. Don't get me wrong, my goal through this is not just to look beautiful. In fact, that is probably only 10% of my motivation. I would love to be healthy. I would love to get pregnant a second time and not worry about how being overweight might be affecting the baby and labor/delivery. But I can't hang that on the wall. I can't think of a visual aid for the healthy part of my goal. So there is this dress and I love it. It represents health and beauty. It represents future me and I love it. 

Struggling

I feel like I am approaching the Burn Out point. I am tired of dieting (or lifestyle changing, whatever), I am tired of always thinking about what I can eat, how much exercise I need to do, etc. I like losing weight but it is a lot more effort than gaining weight (duh).

How do I get my motivation back? How do I get excited again? I live in phoenix and so summer is like everyone Else's winter, going outside for exercise or even for just fresh air is not really an option. Its too Hot and miserable. How do people stay motivated when stuck inside all day???

I don't really have much to say in this post, I just really wanted to complain. I think it helped, I already feel a tiny bit better :-)


**UPDATE**
After writing this post and debating in my head for a while, I finally got up and did a 2.5 mile run!! I feel so great having finished it this time :)

Running

In case anyone is wondering....I did not go to the 5k I signed up for, I tried to run one that morning with my daughter (in my new jogging stroller) and I didn't make it. I am thinking of doing one that is coming up this Sunday that is a little closer to home, but the bottom line is, I don't feel ready to run in front of other people. I breathe horribly, I don't have the best "form" and I don't have the right clothes. All lame reasons I know. I shouldn't care so much what people think, but I am worried all the real runners will think I stupid for trying to run like they do. I have issues, I am aware, and I am not sure how to get past them.

In other running news, I just finished a two mile run and instead of feeling great that I did something, I feel like a failure for not running the 2.5 miles I set out to run. I got a Horrible cramp in my side and I just couldn't keep going. Now instead of feeling good that I at least ran 2 miles, I feel like a failure. It bugs me. 3 months ago and I would have been Super excited that I could even run 22 minutes straight. I need to remind myself how far I've come. Its hard. Changing patterns of putting myself down is hard.

5k or no 5k, That is the question....

I am talking myself out of running the 5k I signed up for this weekend for the following reasons:

• I still haven't actually run a 5k, during the C25k I completed the minutes required, but never made it up to 3 miles. I know I can do it but am ashamed to admit, I never want to run that much.
• Its supposed to be 104 degrees on Saturday. SERIOUSLY?? Who is expected to run in that heat?
• I signed up for a 5k that is run at night, so it starts at 6:30pm and its over a hour away, I might be getting old but that sounds like a late night with my 1 year old.

I try to talk myself out of exercise all the time so this isn't really any different and 9 times out of 10 I end doing it, so we'll see. I am honestly not sure at this point, Oh wells.

Can I be honest for a minute?

I do not have a supportive husband. No, I do not mean that I have a husband that "loves me no matter what I look like" so he eats crap in front of me and encourages me to join in. I would LOVE one of those, but alas, I got the husband that eats junk in front of me and if I so much as suggest that I should eat that too he immediately corrects me that its not part of my diet and I don't want to ruin my progress, right? This would be fine, if I were a child and needed to be reminded of consequences to my actions. Nope, not a child - no stern food reminders needed. When I am not dieting there is this constant pressure from him to go on a diet, there is a significant lack of, um, affection, and there is a sense of embarrassment from him that he is with me. This would be mildly acceptable to me if I had gained a ton of weight after we got married but, in fact, this was me then, now, and will always be there in some way. He has said some cruel things to me about my weight and seems to think that I should be grateful he wants to be with me. I'm Not. Its hard being with someone when you feel it is conditional. I will love if you keep the house clean, I will love you if you wear makeup everyday, I will love you when you lose weight and keep it off. Some people might wonder why I married him and the truth is, he basically hid this from me until the night we got married, I mean it was like a switch was flipped when he said I DO. I read other people's weight loss blog and 99% of them are with someone who loves them for who they are and I realize now not all men would try to make me feel bad for not being better. I am not sure why I am sharing this, except that I need to get it off my chest. The more weight I lose, the better out marriage gets but I feel I have to remind myself of the reason things are better. Is it ok that we are happy as long as I have lost weight? Is that a good marriage?

NSV

My wedding rings are getting too big. This is especially exciting because about 7 months ago and I had to get my wedding band sized bigger because getting too tight. The picture is the best I could do to show it but it doesn't really do it justice that is my hand with my fingers pointed down to show the gap between my finger and the rings (I don't have a raised setting so its a little tough to see). Small victory but one that I feel awesome about!

Love losing weight. If you are struggling with losing weight just remember that it feels Fabulous!