Food Prison

I was just in the kitchen making lunch for my daughter (a spelt cheese quesadilla) and when I picked up the bag of cheese I grabbed it too fast and a handful of cheese fell out. My immediate reaction was to think to myself "I'm such an idiot". I know I do this all the time - call myself names, but for some reason I stopped for a minute today and wondered what effect this has on me overall. It cannot possibly good to always be putting myself down but it is completely second nature for me to call myself names. No one in my life has ever really put me down or called me names and yet I still feel like I should call myself names...this is not OK and I need to make a serious effort to make a change and realize a small amount of cheese spilling out of a bag onto the floor is no reason to call myself names.

Overall, I have been feeling pretty blue lately. I have been making good progress on the weight loss front but even three months into this I have moments where I just want to order a pizza for dinner and stuff it all in my face. It scares me a little bit that I will lose it one day and not be able to get back on track. I know there will come a day where I eat off plan and I am scared that I will just take off from my diet with glee over all the food I can eat. I need to stop looking at this diet as some sort of prison that I will get out of one day (maybe even early if I practice good behavior) and once I am out I can eat like a normal person. The problem with this is that I am not a "normal" person. I will never be able to eat whatever I want without consequences, there are always consequences. And the reality is that there is really no such thing as a "normal" person when it comes to food. I think even skinny people have issues with food its just not as visible to the outside world. I just need to realize that one day I will fall of the wagon but I also need to tell myself that I am strong enough to pull myself back up.