my husband reminds me that I am still not quite at my goal. I do not have the most supportive other half. He doesn't come right out and tell me that he still finds me unattractive, but he might as well with his actions. This is as honest as it gets with my blog. My husband thinks I am too fat and instead of leaving him (because that would seem like a petty reason) I am trying my darnedest to not lose my motivation and lose more weight. Not really for him exactly, but more because he reminds me of every stare, insult, passing joke, that was every made when I was 80lbs heavier. He is a weekly (not daily, because he works out of town Monday-Friday) that I am not good enough. I want to get to the point where I can look at those people who still feel the need to call me fat and be so confident in myself that I feel sorry for them, that they feel the need to try and make me feel worse about myself to make them feel better about themselves. I am almost there....Almost but not quite. I know (based on actions that I will not share here) that my husband is not happy with how I look and while it makes me sad, I also almost (ALMOST) know that it is more his problem than mine. I am almost to the point when I feel good enough about myself that I don't care. It is his problem. Its not my fault he married someone that he isn't attracted to, he never came out and shared that before we were married. If he ever wants to be happy with me he is going to have to get passed it and if not, that's his problem. Sorta....
I know I should be able to be happy with myself without losing more weight, but I can't get there without
therapy and losing weight is the cheaper more practical option.
I know losing weight doesn't make problems go away and everything bright and shinny, but it couldn't hurt.
5 comments:
That is pretty honest...but it's appreciated. If he doesn't appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are, he doesn't deserve you. No matter what you look like, skinny or heavy. Make the steps you are taking for YOU, for your daughter. Love you lots!
Honest and brutal, but I like how you are making steps towards accepting that this is Jason's problem and not yours. (Yes, you have to live with it, but it's not something you can fix. Not really.) You really are beautiful, Amy-- losing the weight you have has done wonders for you and your own health and energy and confidence but it hasn't made you MORE beautiful...you already were. (I already know as I write this that you don't believe me, but that's OK. It's still true whether you believe it or not.)
Amy, I think you need to ask your husband straight out why he married you. To know those reasons might help you understand what made you attractive to him. Whether it was physical or not is not the point. Find out what he does love about you so you don't feel the only thing that will "fix" his problem is for YOU to loose more weight. I think what you are doing is amazing but Brooke is right. Do it for you, that is the only way you will gain the confidence. Keep plugging away:)
I agree with Heidi--it is Jason's issues that get in the way of his expressing his love for you You have made such strides in confidence and beauty that it will redefine your relationship.
AMY!!!!!!!!! So glad he is gone for most of The week So You don't have to constantly hear that. That can be so damaging on so many levels. I think you are so Beautiful and your weightloss is truly amazing. Keep it up!
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