Distorted Body Image

*Warning* this post is a little whiny and complainy and will not inspire in anyway....

I still look in the mirror and think I am fat. In fact I can't imagine that I've lost almost 100lbs - I only really see a difference in my face. This sort of depressed me for a while, in fact, it still kinda depresses me. It has taken me a while to figure out what my problem was, I mean, REALLY what is going on with me? Then it hit me. I never, and I mean never, looked in the mirror before. Well, sure I glanced in the mirror at my face before I got my day started but I never really looked too long, otherwise I would cringe - literally cringe at how big I had let my self get. Forget standing on the bathtub so I could see my whole body or standing sideways to see how big I was. I would never do that. If I had, I would have had to face reality at how bad of shape I was really in. I knew I needed to lose weight, I knew my weight was really high but the sad thing is, I mean the really sad thing, is that I told myself I didn't look too bad. That 250lbs wasn't that big. So now, when I look at myself in the mirror and I see what looks like at size 18/20 body I have to tell myself that it is because I have no idea what that size 18/20/22/24 body looked like on me. A big part of me thought that when I got to 180lbs, 170lbs, or 165lbs I would be in heaven. That would it would be hard to continue losing weight to get to a healthy BMI because I would be so happy with the way I looked. That happiness has not come yet, 152lbs and I still feel like I need to lose 50lbs to be happy with how I look. Last time I lost 80lbs and got to 170 I thought I looked awesome and I felt good. That's part of the reason the diet I was on failed. I didn't the have the huge rush to lose anymore weight. I was happy where I was. I don't understand why that didn't happen this time, but it didn't and it depresses me. The depression makes me want to give up. That's what I am working on right now. Not giving up. Not talking a day off from exercise because I am tired. Not giving up on running because I don't think I can do it anymore. I have all of these "old Amy" thoughts that go through my head for a split second.....

"you're too lazy to run"
"you're too out of shape, you are going to pass out and die"
"one day off won't hurt"
"you can't ever finish a half marathon, don't even try"

Granted, these thoughts are only in my head for a split second but the fact that they show up at all worries me. I am not going to give up and for the most part still feel awesome about how far I have come with my energy levels and health. I just need my brain to catch up to my body. My body feels better but my brain can't give up on the expectations of what was supposed to happen when I lost a ton of weight. Overall it is what is best for me and my daughter but when people say that losing weight won't instantly make you happy, its true. Relationships change. You find some people seeming to want to sabotage your efforts, for whatever reason. Its not all sunshine and roses. I never would believe that until I got here.

But believe me, even though this post is 95% depressing, overall my life is only about 5% depression. It really is 100 times better than it used to be. I just need a place to unload these feelings, no one really likes to hear about this, and probably no one really wants to read about it, but I wanted to get if off my chest so I can move on.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I haven't had much time to blog lately. I usually blog during my workday and work has gotten pretty hectic that last week and will be through the New Year. I don't want everyone to think that I have stopped running or have fallen off that wagon completely (I have pretty much stepped off every weekend so far this month..). But overall things are going good :) Anyway, I gotta get back to work. I will try to write this weekend when I have the time.

Hello Weekend...

I just ate a bag of peanut M&M's...weekends are my downfall. As soon as Friday afternoon hits I get way relaxed in my diet - who am I kidding? I am kicking my diet to the curb as soon as the weekend makes an appearance. I just hope this is a holiday set back and doesn't carry on into January. If everyone else is on the diet train in January I should be fine, right? RIGHT? Anyhoo, I am freaking out a bit that I have to run 8 miles in the morning. 8 miles is far and if I am freaking out about 8 miles how am I going to run 13.1 miles in little over a month? Is it even possible to progress that much in such a sort amount of time? What was I thinking when I signed up for the Half Marathon? Ok, I am freaking out a bit. Time to drink tons of water and watch Santa Claus 2 (the Mrs Claus) I Love that movie :)

December Calculations

Its the first day of the last month of 2011. I would like to finish 2011 big and I in my opinion if I didn't lose anymore weight I would still finish big - 95lbs is a pretty awesome to me. I really want to not sabotage myself this last month and it is hard. I LOVE the food part of the holidays, baking and having the house smell of fresh baked cookies or other goodies. I walked past the baking display in the store yesterday - you know the one with corn syrup, cocoa, chocolate chips, baking mixes, oil, pie crusts, etc and I really just want to grab stuff and BAKE. But the joy of baking does not stop with the baking, 9.9 times out of 10 I also eat what I bake - I like dessert, yup its a big shocker that someone who used to weight 250lbs likes dessert :) The closer the holidays get the harder it is to keep my resolve to not give up for the month and start again on new years...I mean how much weight can I really gain? Let's see...I took 4 days last weekend and pretty much ate what I wanted and I gained 3lbs. So there are 31 days in December and if you divide by 4, that is almost 8. So 8 times 3 is 24 - 24!!! That is how much weight I could potentially gain if I "take the month off". Holy Crap - It did not occur to me to do the math until I was typing this post. If I gained 24lbs that would put me almost up to 180...the last time I was 180 was the middle of August. I would lose 3 1/2 months of progress. It would probably take me 3 1/2 months to get back to the point I am now. That's mid April. That is a long time to get back to where if I ignore my diet just one month. Now, I know chances are I would not gain the whole 24lbs....but I can't be sure and I AM sure that I don't want to take the chance. This wasn't really going to be the subject of my post but that is the good thing about having a blog - you start writing and the thoughts just come out and you realize things you wouldn't have otherwise. So that's that. I will stay on the course this next month. I will spend more time on plan with my eating than off.