Food Prison

I was just in the kitchen making lunch for my daughter (a spelt cheese quesadilla) and when I picked up the bag of cheese I grabbed it too fast and a handful of cheese fell out. My immediate reaction was to think to myself "I'm such an idiot". I know I do this all the time - call myself names, but for some reason I stopped for a minute today and wondered what effect this has on me overall. It cannot possibly good to always be putting myself down but it is completely second nature for me to call myself names. No one in my life has ever really put me down or called me names and yet I still feel like I should call myself names...this is not OK and I need to make a serious effort to make a change and realize a small amount of cheese spilling out of a bag onto the floor is no reason to call myself names.

Overall, I have been feeling pretty blue lately. I have been making good progress on the weight loss front but even three months into this I have moments where I just want to order a pizza for dinner and stuff it all in my face. It scares me a little bit that I will lose it one day and not be able to get back on track. I know there will come a day where I eat off plan and I am scared that I will just take off from my diet with glee over all the food I can eat. I need to stop looking at this diet as some sort of prison that I will get out of one day (maybe even early if I practice good behavior) and once I am out I can eat like a normal person. The problem with this is that I am not a "normal" person. I will never be able to eat whatever I want without consequences, there are always consequences. And the reality is that there is really no such thing as a "normal" person when it comes to food. I think even skinny people have issues with food its just not as visible to the outside world. I just need to realize that one day I will fall of the wagon but I also need to tell myself that I am strong enough to pull myself back up.

Not a Runner...

So I am on week 2 of the C25K and it still kicks my butt everytime. I know, week 2 is not very far along but I still feel like quiting everytime. I have to talk myself into finishing the 20 min (ONLY 20min) EVERY time. This is not getting any easier and I am starting to wonder if I am going to be able to actually run a 5k. At this point quitting is not an option. I bought a treadmill for this, I cannot just turn my treadmill into a place to dry my clothes, although the temptation is there. Does this get any easier, or are some people just not meant to be runners???

Cupcakes...

...are in the kitchen at my office. I would love to say that I looked at them and wanted nothing to do with them, but, um, that would be a lie. I feel like I may have to stay out of the kitchen for the rest of the day(sigh).

RESULTS???

So I've lost a total of 24lbs in the past 10 weeks which to a "normal" sized person sounds like a huge weight loss, so why is this barely noticable to me? I understand other people cannot yet really tell that I am losing weight - when you have 105lbs to losing only a fifth of the amount is not a drastic change but still, shouldn't I have noticed a significant amount by now??? Shouldn't I comfortable wearing my smaller size jeans instead of squeezing myself into them like a sausage? In the past when I have been on a diet by the time I reach the 20lbs mark I can fit into samller sizes and it becomes more motivating to stick with the healthier choices I have been making. THIS TIME however, it feels like even though the scale is going down, my actual waist size is staying the same. I know, I know, I should be taking my measurements so I can see the results but honestly, I have so many rolls in the way its hard to find my waist and know exactly where to measure each time. Having a baby seems to have permentantly stuck the majority of my excess weight belly area, which I always thought was the case but now I know the difference - Pre-Baby body the fat was distributed better, Post-Baby body the fat all sits in the least desirable spot, the stomach. I'm Annoyed.

Enough complaining....I do have some postives to keep me going. I feel way better than I did 6 months ago, I have a little bit more energy to keep up with my 1 year old, I feel better about myself and the choices I have been making, I haven't run the numbers but I MUST be saving money by never really eating out. I have a better outlook on my future and I really hope that I will be able to keep up with this and look back on 2010 and one of the best in my life. I have dieted before, but they were always crash diets where I always missed and thought about food all the time and eventually fell off the wagon and went back to my old habits. I always gained back weight. This time, I don't feel like I am missing out on food - don't get me wrong, I miss food, but I have a very clear memory of how a lot of food would make me physcially feel. I used to be SICK to my stomach after 90% of the meals I would have. I am not sure what would cause this but I do know that I very rarely feel sick after I eat these days, which is awesome. Anyway, I need to keep focusing on the postive and not looking for instant results, they will come with time.

Hormonal Happiness

Do you ever have moments where all of a sudden for no reason you are extremely happy? I just had one of those moments and I instantly told myself that I have no reason to be happy and it is just my hormones. I am not sure why but I seem to want to deny myself happiness. I could be really happy, it doesn't have to be hormones. My life is not perfect, there are a lot of things that I would like to change, but at the same time my life is pretty nice. Examples of this:

Perfect Life:
1. Being a stay at home mom who gets to spend quality time with her daughter
2. Being physically fit - weighing a healthy weight of 145
3. Being happily married to a man who loves me

My Life:
1. While I do have to work full time, I am lucky enough to be able to work from home 4 out 5 days a week. So while I do not get to do all the things I would like to do with my daughter I at least get to be with her.
2. I am on the path to being physically fit. I tend to get discouraged when I look at how much weight I have left to lose without accknowledging that I have lost 22 lbs - thats not bad :)
3. Being happily married might be an urban myth

Overall when I get a moment of happiness it might just be that I have reasons to be happy and need to accept happiness into my life.