I have lost confidence in myself. Its been a long time since I have posted on my blog and it almost feels like I shouldn't write on here anymore, but I have almost no one to talk to about my weight struggles, so here I am.
Most everyone in my life might understand trying to lose 10-15 or the baby weight that they gained while pregnant but almost no one understands what it is like to battle obesity. Its harder than I imagine it would be beause there was a time when I was obese but not battling it. There was a point, back in 2003, before I lost a bunch of weight by going a doctor supervised starvation diet (not what the dr called it) that I had just accepted that I would always be fat. And I don't want to say that I was ok with it but I had just come to terms with that being my life. Then I lost 80lbs and knew what it was like not to be the biggest person in the room. But the weight doesn't magically stay off and I never learned good habits losing weight the starving way. I gained back the weight over the next 3 years and it was worse then before.
Instead of the fat girl, I was the fat girl who gained it all back. And I knew there were some people who were smug about it, telling themselves all along I would gain the weight back. Other people who felt sorry for me. Other people who were shocked that I couldn't control myself. Losing the weight and gaining it back was worse than having never lost the weight. And I am here again. I haven't gained back 80lbs, only 20 this time, and I am in fact only about 4 lbs more than when I lost the 80lbs back in 2004, but I still feel like its coming. Those 80lbs are coming for me. I am starting to doubt that I will be able to keep the weight off and even more I doubt that I will be able to lose the last 30. Its such a horrible feeling, gaining back all the weight, that I almost panic just thinking about it. But there is part of me that is sure it is going to happen.
In the last two and a half years since I started losing weight I have always been able to keep up with exercise. I have been running and attribute that to the fact that I only gained back 20lbs instead of 80lbs. I would eat good during the week but let it go on the weekends. But would run 10-15 miles on the weekend and 10-15 druing the week. But the last two months I have not felt like running. Its like something snapped in my brain and I don't want to do it anymore. I have been forcing myself to get out there and run but also finding myself giving into excuses not to. This freaks me out. I have not run more than 3 miles at a time in the last week and it freaks me out. I have heard over and over that running is more mentally challanging than physically and that is very true. Less than a month ago I ran a half marathon, averaging 11min miles, but I am already telling myself that I can't do it anymore. That I am losing my running ablity and under that is the fear that if I can't run anymore, I will gain the weight back. It is only a matter of time. I am not sure where to find my motivation or confidence in myself that I will be able to continue, so I thought I would start back here. Writing in my blog like I used to. Reading old entries that I wrote when I first started running to remember what I did to feel confident in myself. Getting back to what worked in 2010.
3 comments:
Can I make a few suggestions?
-Get adjusted by a chiropractor. Sometimes if your spine is out of line it can cause pressure and depression.
-buy some books on audio and pop in the ear buds. Get lost in the book and keep moving if music isn't doing it for you that day.
-organize yourself. I battle depression everyday and I find that I can NEVER take a "break" from keeping my house in order. When your life is unorganized, house is a wreck, laundry is piled high and kitchen looks like a bomb went off it is hard to get motivated to do something for yourself like exercise. Start with one chore at a time and get it done. I know it is hard when you have children working against you but you can do it. There comes a time when you have to confess your inner struggle and pick yourself up. You have done the first part now do the second. Thinking of you girl!
I mostly get exactly where you're coming from. (I won't say I totally understand because there are some differences between our challenges and yours have been far, far harder.) But I understand the panic and the fear that everything will come piling back when you have been depending on running to keep your weight loss moving.
I think part of what has been keeping you back just recently is the foot injury. That has curtailed your long runs and then it is really easy to feel like things are never going to be different, you are always going to be only able to do short runs, then negative thinking takes over and pretty soon you throw out all your confidence.
I can empathize with that because I may very well never be able to train hard like I used to and it scares me. This permanent ankle and shoulder stuff is a pain the the rear.
I won't pretend to give you advice because I know very well that you'll have to find your own mix of solutions-- but I did want to tell you that I have complete faith in your ability to win the mental battle and not give up, even with temporary setbacks. I know how much you've accomplished and I'm in awe and so impressed. You CAN do it! (But maybe a little mixing it up in the exercise department might help. Something to bring excitement back into exercising. Maybe something you could do even if your foot isn't cooperating.)
i truly won't understand exactly where you're coming from because clearly my challenges are different. despite your current difficulty in running/being motivated, i just wanted to tell you how inspiring you really have been, in more ways than one.
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