Goals and deadlines

I like to reward myself for hard work and 'good behavior', therefor almost every time I am trying to lose weight I come up with rewards. I see nothing wrong with this overall but the reward I picked this time has a deadline. I hate deadlines with weight loss. The goal I set for myself is to lose 30 pounds by September 1st for the Disneyland half marathon. The reward if I do this? Staying in the Disneyland hotel, something I have wanted to do since I was a child. I think I picked a good reward for myself, the only problem is the timeline part. Already this month I have been stressed about not losing 'enough' weight. This is no good. I do not need to start feeling down about myself if I am doing everything I should and yet the weight is not falling off. Sometimes my body has other ideas about the speed of which the weight falls off. Its not a big deal if I don't get my reward but I still have it in my head that it will be awesome to have lost 30lbs by September, if I don't make it in time, will I crash and burn and gain back weight that I have lost? Hopefully not. But I need to remember this for next time (because I will am pretty sure I will always have a weight loss goal, whether it is 50lbs, 30lbs, 5lbs or just to maintain) setting a reward/goal for a certain date is not the best idea.

I just need to remember...

....that I feel like quitting the first 3 miles of EVERY run. Its true, I have to talk myself out of stopping for the first 3 miles. I probably sound like a big quitter but I really only talk myself out of finishing probably 1 out of every 50 runs. Lately I have been worried as I am running as to why its not easier. Why has it gotten harder? It might not be any harder physically but the mental part of it has gotten to be a challenge these days. Every time I run I feel like I can't finish because I am not strong enough, until I reach the magic three mile mark. I am not sure if that's the point that I am warmed up and my body is in the groove or if once my mind knows I can make it that far that I can make it a lot farther. I'm not sure which one it is, I just know that I need to remember that is gets better after 3 miles.

Back to business

I started this blog for a place to express my feelings and document my weight loss, for me. The blog stopped being fun when I started caring if people were reading. If I gained 3lbs who wants to read about that? So I stopped writing. 2011 was an awesome year if I am measuring happiness outside of how many pounds I gained/lost.

I started the year by running my first half marathon and followed it with two more. I ran an overnight 200 mile relay with 11 other people and I enjoyed it so much that I ran it again a couple of weeks ago with a team of complete strangers. That was huge for me. Not only did I run the most miles I have ever run in a 24 hour period (18.2 - with about 11 of those uphill) but I did it with people that I have never met before. I am a pretty shy person and was sick to my stomach worried about how I would get along with everyone but I wanted to do something that makes me uncomfortable - pushes me to experience new things. That's me and my team below:

But with the good comes the not so good. I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight that I reached in 2010. What bugs me about that the most is how close I got to my goal and never got there. Its a lingering disappointment in myself. One that I am going to do my darnedest to change. I am starting to write here again simply to keep track of how I am doing and sort of keep tabs on myself throughout the journey. I love going back and re-reading some of my early posts to see how far I have come, it helps me when I feel like a failure. So here it is, the goals I have set for myself:

• Run a half marathon at 2 hr or under: This will require I shave off 18 minutes off of my PR but I think I can do it. I signed up for the Disneyland half marathon September 1st so I have 6 months to get ready.
 
• Lose 30lbs by the Disneyland half marathon: This timeline is simply in place because I think it will help me reach the above goal

If I don't reach these goals I am not going to let it get me down as long as I know I have given it my all to achieve them. I am done feeling like a failure, as long as I am trying my best and making good decisions every day then I am a success.

Away but not hiding....

It's amazing how quickly time goes by. It's been over two months since my last post. I haven't been hiding or avoiding my blog, I've just been super busy with work. I keep meaning to write something but since I really don't have time to read other blogs I have almost forgotten altogether that I have a my own blog. But the point of this has always been so that I have something to go back and read when I am struggling to remember why I want to lose weight or how hard work pays off. I have basically been maintaining my weight since Christmas. I have stayed in the 160s fluctuating up and down, mostly because I have only been eating well during the week and then sort of chuck it all on the weekend. I would actually be pretty stoked (yes, I said stoked) if I had reached my goal weight and was maintaining but I am still 20lbs from my original goal weight and 40lbs from my 2011 goal weight. So it's time to get serious again. I need to stop dilly-dallying around and lose the rest of this weight, for myself. I am happy with my weight right now, it's so much better than 250, but there is the nagging feeling of failure in the back of my head. I set a completely reachable goal and came within 7 lbs of that goal and 4 months later I have still not reached it. It's time to kick my butt back in gear. I have stayed on track with my running and even started to train for a full marathon so mostly I just need to get through the weekend without eating an entire bag of peanut M&Ms and consuming 2 or 3 venit white mochas. It sounds easy enough....but every weekend it's a struggle, ugh.

Whenever I start to lose my motivation....

my husband reminds me that I am still not quite at my goal. I do not have the most supportive other half. He doesn't come right out and tell me that he still finds me unattractive, but he might as well with his actions. This is as honest as it gets with my blog. My husband thinks I am too fat and instead of leaving him (because that would seem like a petty reason) I am trying my darnedest to not lose my motivation and lose more weight. Not really for him exactly, but more because he reminds me of every stare, insult, passing joke, that was every made when I was 80lbs heavier. He is a weekly (not daily, because he works out of town Monday-Friday) that I am not good enough. I want to get to the point where I can look at those people who still feel the need to call me fat and be so confident in myself that I feel sorry for them, that they feel the need to try and make me feel worse about myself to make them feel better about themselves. I am almost there....Almost but not quite. I know (based on actions that I will not share here) that my husband is not happy with how I look and while it makes me sad, I also almost (ALMOST) know that it is more his problem than mine. I am almost to the point when I feel good enough about myself that I don't care. It is his problem. Its not my fault he married someone that he isn't attracted to, he never came out and shared that before we were married. If he ever wants to be happy with me he is going to have to get passed it and if not, that's his problem. Sorta....

I know I should be able to be happy with myself without losing more weight, but I can't get there without
therapy and losing weight is the cheaper more practical option.

I know losing weight doesn't make problems go away and everything bright and shinny, but it couldn't hurt.

Not lost...

Just super busy with work and since I spend all day on the computer at work I hardly ever use the computer once I am off for the day...work has been getting in the way of blogging time :)

Anyway, quick update. I have done pretty good this week. I went off track a little yesterday and ate and ate and ate way more than I should have but I recognized it and got on track at dinnertime and have been on track all day today. Mostly the reason I decided to post was to share how even though I have been feeling down about myself lately I felt pretty awesome just now, dancing with my 2 year old. She is the reason I started this journey and it has paid off. For the last 20 minutes we have been dancing away to the black eyed peas and it was fun, jump around the room, shake your booty, kind of dancing. It was awesome - I had a ton of energy, even after having run 5 miles only a couple hours earlier. I felt happy, happy that I have lost 80ish lbs, that I can dance and play with my daughter without feeling exhausted. This is so worth it.


Check in...

Calories yesterday: 2102 (yikes!)
Calories so far today: 849

Exercise yesterday: 20 minute bike ride & 4 mile run (9:30 minute miles)

Current weight: 163
Lbs to goal: 38

Have a good weekend!

500 Miles!

I just finished updating my runs for the past week in daily mile and realized when I was done that I have run over 500 miles (501 to be exact) and I was super excited because that's a ton of running I have done since June 2010 but more importantly its almost time to get new running shoes :) So, even though it feels like I am failing in all other areas of my life right now, at least I have succeeded with running.

Last week I was on vacation (Disneyland, again) and I think I have a little bit of the post vacation blues. It always a little sad for me to go back to work and it only makes it worse to weigh myself and see that I have gained 8lbs since before I left. Yup, 8lbs! I was actually quite shocked. I didn't eat very healthy but I also didn't go all crazy with the food. Every other day while we were there I got up and ran in the morning in addition to the, at least, 10 miles of walking I did at the parks. So, I pretty much figured it would even out and when I saw how wrong I was about that it really depressed me. I know alot of it is water weight (I was down 4lbs this morning) but it is still really hard to feel good about myself. I have basically been unable to get back down to my pre-holiday weight and it stinks. I think the worst thing about it, is not that I feel that I look horrible or anything, but I feel like such a massive failure. This makes me want to eat. This makes being back on track harder. It makes me want to give up and through in the towel. I know that a big part of this is just all the icky food in my system, it doesn't help my mood. So yeah, if you're looking for inspiration....you are gonna have to keep looking.


Check in for today...

Calories Yesterday: 1688
Calories so far today: 647

Exercise Yesterday: 4 mile run @ 10:30 minute mile

Current Weight: 165
Lbs to goal: 40lbs