Whenever I start to lose my motivation....

my husband reminds me that I am still not quite at my goal. I do not have the most supportive other half. He doesn't come right out and tell me that he still finds me unattractive, but he might as well with his actions. This is as honest as it gets with my blog. My husband thinks I am too fat and instead of leaving him (because that would seem like a petty reason) I am trying my darnedest to not lose my motivation and lose more weight. Not really for him exactly, but more because he reminds me of every stare, insult, passing joke, that was every made when I was 80lbs heavier. He is a weekly (not daily, because he works out of town Monday-Friday) that I am not good enough. I want to get to the point where I can look at those people who still feel the need to call me fat and be so confident in myself that I feel sorry for them, that they feel the need to try and make me feel worse about myself to make them feel better about themselves. I am almost there....Almost but not quite. I know (based on actions that I will not share here) that my husband is not happy with how I look and while it makes me sad, I also almost (ALMOST) know that it is more his problem than mine. I am almost to the point when I feel good enough about myself that I don't care. It is his problem. Its not my fault he married someone that he isn't attracted to, he never came out and shared that before we were married. If he ever wants to be happy with me he is going to have to get passed it and if not, that's his problem. Sorta....

I know I should be able to be happy with myself without losing more weight, but I can't get there without
therapy and losing weight is the cheaper more practical option.

I know losing weight doesn't make problems go away and everything bright and shinny, but it couldn't hurt.

Not lost...

Just super busy with work and since I spend all day on the computer at work I hardly ever use the computer once I am off for the day...work has been getting in the way of blogging time :)

Anyway, quick update. I have done pretty good this week. I went off track a little yesterday and ate and ate and ate way more than I should have but I recognized it and got on track at dinnertime and have been on track all day today. Mostly the reason I decided to post was to share how even though I have been feeling down about myself lately I felt pretty awesome just now, dancing with my 2 year old. She is the reason I started this journey and it has paid off. For the last 20 minutes we have been dancing away to the black eyed peas and it was fun, jump around the room, shake your booty, kind of dancing. It was awesome - I had a ton of energy, even after having run 5 miles only a couple hours earlier. I felt happy, happy that I have lost 80ish lbs, that I can dance and play with my daughter without feeling exhausted. This is so worth it.


Check in...

Calories yesterday: 2102 (yikes!)
Calories so far today: 849

Exercise yesterday: 20 minute bike ride & 4 mile run (9:30 minute miles)

Current weight: 163
Lbs to goal: 38

Have a good weekend!

500 Miles!

I just finished updating my runs for the past week in daily mile and realized when I was done that I have run over 500 miles (501 to be exact) and I was super excited because that's a ton of running I have done since June 2010 but more importantly its almost time to get new running shoes :) So, even though it feels like I am failing in all other areas of my life right now, at least I have succeeded with running.

Last week I was on vacation (Disneyland, again) and I think I have a little bit of the post vacation blues. It always a little sad for me to go back to work and it only makes it worse to weigh myself and see that I have gained 8lbs since before I left. Yup, 8lbs! I was actually quite shocked. I didn't eat very healthy but I also didn't go all crazy with the food. Every other day while we were there I got up and ran in the morning in addition to the, at least, 10 miles of walking I did at the parks. So, I pretty much figured it would even out and when I saw how wrong I was about that it really depressed me. I know alot of it is water weight (I was down 4lbs this morning) but it is still really hard to feel good about myself. I have basically been unable to get back down to my pre-holiday weight and it stinks. I think the worst thing about it, is not that I feel that I look horrible or anything, but I feel like such a massive failure. This makes me want to eat. This makes being back on track harder. It makes me want to give up and through in the towel. I know that a big part of this is just all the icky food in my system, it doesn't help my mood. So yeah, if you're looking for inspiration....you are gonna have to keep looking.


Check in for today...

Calories Yesterday: 1688
Calories so far today: 647

Exercise Yesterday: 4 mile run @ 10:30 minute mile

Current Weight: 165
Lbs to goal: 40lbs

Very Short, Quick, Update

I am doing good - SUPER busy with work, mostly because I am on vacation for the next three days!! YAY! I ran a 10k on Saturday and beat my previous time by about 7 minutes, averaged a 9:15 minute mile....it felt awesome! Eating habits have not been stellar but whats new? Mostly I just wanted to say - I am off on vacation and will be back ready to go full swing into healthy living - with a huge reason to motivate me to stick with it (more on that when I get back). Have a fabulous week :)

A little, tad bit, frumpy today

Holy Moly I am Sore today... Not all over but I can definitely tell the areas that I clearly never use because they are SORE. So even though it is not the most enjoyable workout I think I need to keep doing it on my off running days to build up those sore muscles. So overall I am a fan of the Biggest Loser Cardio Max and I think I might even branch out into the other biggest loser workout DVDs - $5 at target cannot be beat and I really enjoy working out with regular people on the video and not super skinny, never sweat, people on most videos.

Other than working out, things are blah today. Sparkpeople is not working from my computer - I'm not sure if the company I work for added it to the blocked sites (doubtful since I am currently typing this post on my work computer) or if the site is down. Which isn't horrible that I can't enter my calories but its still bugging me. I also am having the horrible nauseous feeling you get when you are pregnant - you know if you've been pregnant - where the idea of almost all foods except for junk makes you a little sick and even a lot of junk foods still make you feel sick. I blame my Birth Control for this - I missed a day so I doubled up today which means hormones galore in my body right now. Fun Times. Is this something you wanted to read about? I bet not. I'm in a bit of a crappy mood. I'm not grumpy, just icky feeling. Anywoo...I should probably stop typing before I decide to share something else no cares anything about.

Calories Consumed yesterday: 1771 (I think...I know it was 1700+, but with sparkpeople down I am not sure of the exact number)
Calories cosumed today: 1200 (this is a complete guess since I haven't entered my food in)

Exercise Yesterday: Biggest Loser DVD - 1 1/2 times (long story) for a total of 70min

Current Weight: 161.5 (blah)
Lbs to goal: 36.5 (duh)

Time to get back to work. Only one more work day this week....one more day, one more day, one more day (chant it with me....)

Branching out

I am doing good today. I branched out and tried the following for my workout today:

I can't run everyday (or I guess I could but I am afraid of not letting my running muscles rest enough and getting injured) and my stationary bike broke last week...So I broke out the biggest loser cardio max that I purchased at least 10 months ago but never used (seriously, the wrapped was still on the darn thing). Anyway, it was different - I definitely did things I never really and it was nice that the people on the workout video were former biggest loser contestants but I really missed listening to my own music or watching season 2 of 24 on netflix. I think I will know more how well the DVD worked me out tomorrow if anything is sore :)

Moving on...

My eating yesterday left much to be desired. I didn't really eat anything I consider 'off limits' but I ate way too much of the food that I usually eat and stopped entering the food in my food dairy - which is always a bad sign. I thought this trend might continue but so far today I am on track. Work has been very stressful (half my dept was laid off last Friday) and I have tried to cheer myself up by eating - not the best solution but I think I am starting to get past it and not let me it get me down or maybe I am getting better at dealing with my stress (doubtful).  Anyhoo....check in for today:

Calories consumed yesterday: ? An educated guess would be about 2100...but that is not definite.
Calories so far today: 1177 (that's everything except dinner)

Exercise yesterday: 6 mile run

Current weight: 161.5 (sigh..literally)
Lbs to goal: 36.5

One Step Foward....two steps back

So far I have not made it through the weekend without "taking it off" from my diet - basically eating whatever I want. So I spend every week losing weight and then gaining it over the weekend, losing it during the week and gaining it over the weekend. So the good news is, I pretty much know how to maintain....the bad news is that I am about 35lbs away from the weight I want to maintain. I can't seem to get the motivation back, I've lost my mojo. At least I haven't lost my motivation completely, if the weekend behavior spills into the week then I know I am in trouble.

Other than eating, things are going good. The Ragnar relay is a month away and I am starting to get excited instead of freaked out, which is nice :)  I am running a 10k this weekend and I have gotten to the point where I am no longer nervous about the race itself because I am confident that I will have fun. It took me awhile, but I finally have gotten to the point where I love running. I started running 10 months ago but only recently have I actually enjoyed running. Before I loved that I was burning calories or that I was doing something I never thought I would be able to do physically but now I actually love running....well, love may be too strong of a word because I definitely still dread running up until I am about 1 mile in - so I love running, once I am in it. So while I may not be losing a ton of weight (or any...) I am feeling pretty good these days.


Stats today:

Current Weight: 161.5 (hmm...sounds very familiar)
Lbs to goal: 36.5

Calories consumed yesterday: ?? I didn't track
Calories so far today: 329 (that's just breakfast - 2 small oranges, 1 egg, 1 piece spelt bread, and a dab of butter)

Exercise yesterday: 3 mile run at 9:25 pace (I'm shooting to be at 9:30 minutes in time for the Ragnar)